I've been pretty steady lately, although kind of riding a when's-the-shoe-going-to-drop sort of high. I hit a bit of a freeze then bounced back.
But I think I'm still really letting my outside control how my inside is. It's just that now instead of house or finances or other "superficial" stuff, I'm down to the real nitty gritty of letting how my relationships with people are going affect how my emotional stability is. I think I couldn't really see it, because I've been only doing well vis-a-vis the peeps I regularly see... Flar and I are doing great. Tigger and I are doing great. Lots of drama-free, Quest-depth (which means intense deep) friendships. Even getting pretty close pretty fast to a new friend, BigMama. With the kind of talking through nervousness and expectations instead of bumbling around and tiptoeing around each other's unknowns.
So yeah, except, it turns out me and Critter? Not so hot. For lots of really solid good reasons from earlier this year, he's really gunshy around me, and I yoyo between oblivious through oversensitive through grieving over the state of us. So yeah, totally not okay on a grand scale of boundary-free, codependent hell. And when I calm down and sit back I just keep beating myself up about it. Hmm. Since I'm way more articulate here in print, this is going via email to my Revive leader when I'm done.
That would be a snapshot version of the weekend. The dryer facts, filled with the ups and downs would be:
Flar stayed home the whole week of Thanksgiving. We are really getting spoiled with time together: I'm taking it while I can get it. Wednesday morning, I got to pick up BigMama earlier than planned, when her class let out early. We braved the Kroger on our way out to the house, and by golly! BigMama prayed for a stress-free shopping trip while we were at the turn signal, and we got it. A primo spot in the parking lot, a few good savings on the staples I was fetching, and no wait at the register. Just when we'd gotten the groceries put away, Tigger came downstairs on the phone and reminded me that we had planned to meet Grace and TT at Asuka for lunch. Nom, nom, nummy teppanyaki for lunch prices! After lunch, Flar took BigMama around the house for the official tour -- we hadn't gotten around to that yet, then I drove her home and got to join in her Tday potluck before skedaddling to church, where I was serving with the twos, and she was attending Celebration. There weren't too many kids that night, so it was an easy night.
Thursday, BigMama watched movies and kept me company while I cooked sweet potatoes and green beans for casseroles, and mixed up the cranberry fluff. Flar helped by stringing the beans. I fixed banana pancakes for breakfast and discovered a distinct lack of syrup, so I shopped my lifegroup leaders's cabinets when I went over to walk her dog, Obi, and feed and water Obi and the cat, Lala. I scored a partial jug of Mrs. Butterworth's that I was able to replace later in the weekend with a full (albeit smaller) bottle. I didn't change out of pjs until I'd finished the three vegetable casseroles (two kinds of sw'potatoes) and the cranberry fluff, so that counts as my pj day for the weekend.
Critter left the house early-ish to go over to CuppyKate's house for a lunchtime Thanksgiving meal. The two of them came over to the house just I was stepping into the shower to get ready to go over to Brody's house for the evening Thanksgiving meal. They rode over in my Beetle, and very sweetly filled it up with gas for me. Flar drove Tigger and BigMama and me over in the L8. We had a wonderful, boisterous meal including all the rest of the family except Scarlett's son, who elected to stay at his home for Tday. He's recently moved, and it's nice to know that he enjoys his new friends there. The meal was broken up into two tables, with Critter and CuppyKate at the kids table, so I kinda missed spending more time with them while we there. Later, they chose to stay upstairs, rather than join us all in the basement to watch the game, which Brody had TiVoed to catch after the meal.
We stopped on the way home to walk Obi, and she'd gotten her paw caught in the blinds, poor dear. I got her freed, and it looked like she could walk on it outside, but she whimpered about it in the house. :( It was pretty late by the time we all got home, and Critter was already tucked away in his room, and said g'nite through the door.
No Black Friday shopping this year, unless you count online -- much warmer! We slept in on Friday, until the delivery man knocked on the door with an early Christmas delivery. Mom and Dad gave us a new TV for our bedroom! (Mom sat up with us a couple of nights during her recent visit, watching TV with us, and found out how small our current TV looks from the recliner in the corner. ;) I went there and back again to walk and feed Obi and Lala. I brought cheese in case I needed to entice Obi to eat, but she'd finally dug in on her own, so I got to use the cheese sparingly to play with her. When I got home, I woke up Critter and got TIgger to come downstairs to help install the TV. Critter and TIgger unpacked the TV and the mounting bracket, and Critter set about finding studs, etc. Tigger couldn't find the drill in the garage, and then it was time for Critter to leave to go to work. It seems he was the only member of his workcrew to stay in town over the holidays, so he got to work on Friday and Saturday. (Saturday he got paid to see the football game; not all that bad.)
I got Flar to help me make some online shopping decisions, and ordered a few presents. Later in the weekend, I went over my list. I've already acquired or have on order 9 out of the 25 gifts on my list, and of the remaining 16, I only have 3 left to figure out what I'm actually doing/getting. It's the decision making that's hard. :)
Friday evening, Flar and TIgger and BigMama and Knight and Ro and I all went bowling together. Bowling was lots of fun. I bowled pretty well for how infrequently I get out on the lanes these days. After that, BigMama and I went to Revive. We're starting a new curriculum this week, and I ended up getting hit with a triple whammy of scared rabbit. First, the curriculum is the Revive version of L.I.F.E. curriculum -- the kind I'd used in No Stones, and had a lot of difficulty with. I just remember some assignments that really drained me. Second, before Revive gets into the seven principles part akin to No Stones, it has a section on Grief. That hit me like a big oh no! See above about riding a high wave? I haven't really melted down since mid-summer - at a thought I couldn't identify anything about Flar and me that I'm grieving, and so it was like oh no, what will I be going through that I will need this material? My mind immediately flew to Matt's health, no kidney yet, and stinking thinking about how I used to talk about getting a kitten for a funeral gift, as if it were something a kitten could comfort and I was just frozen by how so-not-ready I am to face even thinking about that happening. I used to assume I would outlive Flar, but I can't face the nearer possibility of it. And then the way the weekend turned out, I was grieving that very night, over my relationship with Critter instead. The third kicker was the idea that because BigMama and I are becoming close, our conversations together are "leadership opportunities." I am so not ready to face any description of me as leader -- I mean look at what a sucky job I'm doing as a Mom? Yeah, the negative voices have really gotten big chunks of me this weekend.
By the time I got home after dropping off BigMama, it was pretty late. Critter and Tigger had finished installed in the TV, so I went upstairs to thank them. Critter was in his bedroom and gave an abrupt and uninformative NO through the closed door to my request to come in. I am so ill-equpped for this, after an entire set of teenage years completely free of surliness. When I came downstairs, Flar said Critter was mad at me because of something I'd said about CuppyKate on Thanksgiving. I wrote an email to Critter since he wouldn't talk to me, asking him what was up, and found out that I'd hurt CuppyKate by not calling her his girlfriend when I said Grace at Thanksgiving, and by interrupting her during an after dinner conversation when I'd gone looking for them, and by bringing my new friend, BIgMama to the dinner. Oh, and by ending my Grace with a "let the cowboys win" the game. I really took the tone of the email badly, and I spent the night alternating between grieving over thinking that our relationship is forever doomed to be estranged in favor of his girlfriend whom I'll never be able to please (yes, hyperbole is an unhealthy portion of my emotional toolbox), apologizing constantly to Flar over crying all over him (who alternated between comforting me that it wasn't as bad as I thought, that we'd be able to "work this out" and that it was bad enough to cry over, that I wasn't unreasonable to be crying -- since United he's really got his game on as a comforting hubby), to taking my mind off it all by watching Magnum PI starring that cherry red Ferrari, to getting a migraine to discovering that I can't journal when I have a migraine, to falling asleep after 5am when the Excedrin finally kicked in.
I eventually worked up the courage to go up to talk to Christopher. I couldn't not cry, but I tried to stay pretty calm. We talked about all sorts of stuff, but I don't think we came anywhere near fixing anything, and so now I alternate between feeling bad, feeling sad, feeling hopeless, wanting to self-protect by giving up, and occasionally even remembering to give it up to Him.
After I walked Obi, when I picked up BigMama I told her the basics of what was going on since otherwise of course she's think it was something all about her -- after all, we're only just the newest of friends, and well, it's really easy to be insecure about each other especially if one seems to be all different emotionally and then shuts down. She was very comforting and said good chase-away-the-negative type stuff about the me that Christ sees, and DIDN'T cut down Critter or CuppyKate or naysay them so much as cut into my "therefore I am now scum and hopeless" cycle that was going on, and it really helped me to not make this what I was all about. Put it in it's not-happy place, but helped me get my joy-in-Christ back in place.
We rearranged when we were going to the Mad Potter with Ro, so that we could be home until Critter left for the football game, and we hung out in the family room watching Critter, Flar and Tigger play Rail Baron. After Critter left, BigMama and I napped a bit and then headed over to the Mad Potter to meet Ro. I designed a glass candy bowl for Bébé - my first glass fusing project - and Ro and BigMama painted pottery projects. After we were done, BigMama and I had dinner at Wendy's on the way to take her home, and then I got home a little after 10. I was in the kitchen when Critter got home, but he was tired out from an evening of flinging cardboard at the game, so I just got a hug before he headed upstairs.
This morning, Critter and Flar and I attended the 9:30 service together, then they left me at church to serve with the twos and get a separate ride home. Critter told us on the ride to church that CuppyKate was taking him to brunch, then he'd come hang with us a bit before going back to campus. When I got home from church, they'd just left, but weren't planning to come back after all. I didn't even get a hug goodbye from church, so it kinda hurt that they hadn't waited a few extra minutes and said goodbye properly, or at least called me to let me know about the change in plans. And when I pointed this out to Critter all I got was how I was criticizing him for being considerate and I just don't get it.
Back in June, and for a number of months after I started the Celexa, I really stopped trusting my own judgement. It's really hard to not be able to trust your own mind. I've been relying pretty heavily on outside observation, and Flar's been telling me how much better I've been, and so it preys on my mind when anything like this blows up - where I feel so completely offbase from the other's judgement of a situation - it's hard to be constantly self-questioning. Wondering.
There's leaning on leaders for guidance and then there's the impossibility of wanting a brain monitor who can sit and judge every input and say 'you're out of line' 'you're on target'.
And sometimes I just need to crawl into a big hole and pull it after me.
VeggieTales tell us that a Thankful heart is a happy heart.
I'm thankful that Jesus has forgiven all my sins as I keep being made aware of the sheer ugliness of them and the still-broken nature in me.
I'm thankful for the loving friends and family that Jesus has put into my life.
I'm thankful that Flar has stuck though so much of this ick with me, and for the healing that is happening in our marriage.
I'm thankful for yummy food and extra doggy kisses and no more migraine and a place to write out the good and the bad and the fears and the hopes.