Doodle Bug (minikin) wrote,
Doodle Bug

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My Favorite LJ User

I don't read her journal anymore. We don't contact each other anymore. Our last exchanges were full of anger and sorrow and spite and regret. We spent many years in and around each other, directly or indirectly.

sydb42 introduced me to Live Journal. I made a journal, then promptly forgot about it. Occasionally, I'd read her journal. Then I found out how the friends view works here, and I set my browser to bring up my LJ Friends View rather than a blank page. Gradually, it become part of my daily online routine to keep in touch via LJ. I would write about my days, she would write about hers.

We were separated by miles, years and upbringing. We had so many different beliefs, but we had someone in common. Someone who wrote seldom about everyday life, someone around whom I centered my life for a brief time. As this relationship progressed from fling to affair to commitment, the everyday life stuff became more and more important to me. I read with interest about cleaning projects and weekend plans, and I perked up when I saw myself in some of these chronicles.

I learned journalling during this time. At first my Live Journal was a grown-up Dear Diary: Today I... Lists of things to do, and things accomplished. And then I started writing out feelings that could come out better on the screen than in words spoken. There was a time when I used filters to lock out certain thoughts for only a few. I always seemed to have a higher expectation of correspondence, of response and counter-response in emails. My journal became a place to express thoughts I needed to share, hoping for comments, but not expecting them.

Looking back, I see that my skills at communication were still so weak, and my understanding of my own emotional make-up still so infantile. I leaned on assumptions that were far from universal; I depended on expectations that were so far from reality that of course I was frequently let down.

There was much good in our time together. Both on and off line. But there was much anger and hurt and resentment in the bad times.

I wouldn't say there is bad blood between us now. But in the time that it's taken to heal deep wounds, we've drifted apart and our differences outweigh our common interests, these days.

She doesn't read my journal regularly, to my knowledge, but we have mutual friends. Perhaps she'll see this.

sydb42, I thank you. For the gift of Live Journal.
Tags: lj idol, sydb42

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