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Minikin's Journal

Routine Ramblings of an Occasionally Interesting Housewife

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Living in the Moment
My life is defined by lists: Things to do, people to call, errands to run, verses to remember, prayers to repeat again and again. I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a friend.

In the story of the grasshopper and the ant, I am a poor ant, and I am a sad grasshopper. I have danced and sung merrily, I have shopped until my credit dropped. And yet, I spend too much time fretting about the future, worrying and even indulging in fear and future sorrow. I spend so much time avoiding future woe, that I fail to complete the many lists of preparation that I compile.

I am learning to live in the moment. This is a radical concept to me, but I have already seen the benefits to be gained.

Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.¹

I have a wild past: One which many might remember with pride; others might hide in shame. I understand the benefit of not dwelling in the past. It is a useful storehouse for me, filled with happy memories and sad. I can sort through these memories and learn much. However, should I soak in the past until my brain prunes up, I will be too waterlogged to live in the present.

I live now in the consequences of my past. I am at the very outset of healing lost intimacy with Flar. Rather than dwell on past hurts and arguments, rather than fear a future continuing to live behind high walls, I am re-learning how to open up to him. I am learning to share what is in my heart without second guessing his response, without expecting to be shutdown or ignored. This is scary, fragile territory. I feel that I have created my own mine-field of past code phrases, that I have trained Flar to expect high drama from his wife. But as I learn how to set aside my own pictures of the unknown future, I find that the present is a very comfy place to be with Flar.

Be still, and know that I am God!²

My older son is graduating from high school this spring, and he will be matriculating at Rice University in Houston this fall. When I am asked about whether I will be sad to see him go, I respond that I have not looked that far ahead yet. I am excited for him -- excited with him about this new adventure. He is an excellent student and I am pleased for every recognition of this. He is a conscientious, yet playful young man, and I greatly enjoy his company. It is easy to live in the moment with Critter.

My younger son is our family eccentric. He came to need glasses much later in life than the rest of us, and he has lost two pairs (so far) due to his preference for a softer world with blurred edges. He struggles in school. He does not have difficulty learning; he has difficulty caring about what some of his teachers teach. He has difficulty using their methods when his own are so much more natural. He has difficulty revealing the insides of his quirky brain, from showing how he's solved a math problem to writing out his reaction to a work of art. It is so tempting to live instead in his future. He dreams of becoming a chef, making his living and living his life in the nocturnal cycles he prefers.

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.³

Today, I face a frightening future. I remind myself to live in the moment and have faith in God.

Flar is a kidney patient. He has a condition which has caused a gradual, then steadier, decline in his kidney function. He is on the waiting list for a transplant, and has a good chance of being offered a kidney within the next year. We have spent this week together in the company of doctors and nurses.

It began with the removal of a troublesome big toenail. I have washed Flar's foot and cared for him even as we leaned in church about Christ washing His disciples' feet, and urging us to serve each other. His toe is healing nicely, but complications have set in, and we find ourselves facing the next stage in Flar's journey. He will be getting a Tenckhoff Cathether placed on April 10th or 11th, and once it is healed, we will be trained in Peritoneal Dialysis, which is a nightly regimen.

I want to be supportive and helpful to Flar; I don't want to add my fears and tears to his already significant load of cares. I am best served by living in the moment and not borrowing tomorrow's sorrows and burdens for today.

There are moments for me to sob and lean on Jesus' strong shoulders. When I can call out to Him to grant Flar the time he needs here. Moments to rest my head and put away any brave face that I may have managed to produce.

So I Turn up the music ... Let it all out⁴ and praise God for the time we have together and the healing that He has already begun.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.⁵

1. Matthew 6:34
2. Psalms 46:10
3. Jeremiah 29:11
4. How You Live (Turn Up The Music)
5. Philippians 1:6

This has been my entry for the LJ Idol writing competition, Topic 20: Open Topic
This week, the entries will be judged by four gatekeepers. The quality of entries continues to improve each week; I encourage you to check out all of the work that has been submitted.

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You made me cry again, hon.

Love you.

I'm sorry to make you cry. But, I'm really glad I wrote this, because it made it so much easier to let go of my tears and live in the present with Flar.

Love you!

It's so important to have somewhere to turn... my great grandmother, whom I lost in my early teens, always met adversity and fear by saying "41 10"... we all knew she meant Isaiah 41:10...

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.."

I have always loved it, even when faith falters...

Wonderful entry... I love how it flows from one thought to the next!

Thank you. I've added this to my verses to remember.

You know you are a wonderful writer.

I am glad to have you on my friends list.

This is a very uplifting piece and just proves to me again that you could write about anything.

Wow, thank you so much! I really admire your writing; this means a lot to me.

This is wonderful. Every week you amaze me with the opening of your heart. I am so happy you are learning to savor the moment. Grab every one! Smile.

Thank you. And I'm buying the song, as I need to listen to it over and over.

One of my favourite lyrics from all time is this:

"There were never any good old days/They are today, they are tomorrow/It's a stupid thing we say/Cursing tomorrow with sorrow."

I think you can benefit from this as much as I have.

Thank you, that's beautiful. :)

Your faith is strong, it must be a great comfort when you hit a bump in the road.

I can't imagine how I would have managed all of this only four years ago, when I finally turned back onto my walk with Jesus.

You are all in my thoughts.

Do you call the rainbow spots in the sky, like the one on your background, an "eye of God?" I love finding one during my day, when I am driving or out in the yard. I always feel like God is watching, approving, caring for me.

Living in the present is one my great struggles too. Thank you for sharing your faith here.

I remember the original promise of the rainbow, that God would never again destroy the whole world with flood. Then I remember Jeremiah 29:11, that He doesn't have plans for disaster. It helps to remind me of hope and faith.

There's a book you might find interesting. "Getting Things Done" by David Allen.

The idea is that you empty your mind into lists- lists of projects, lists of actions that need to be taken sorted by context. You make peace with these lists, acknowledge that it's not going to be all done any time soon, and then that frees you up to make intelligent choices about what to do with your time, since you can reasonably renegotiate your commitments with yourself.

Worth a read. :)

Thanks. I kind of do that now, just not very consistently.

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