<oh, hello. I was just Googling. Looking for a list of personality traits; just to get a feel for I dunno, the diff between habits and quirks and traits and physical features. ooh, Big Five personality traits .. sounds like one of those know-thyself tests>
Did you know that Flar thinks that my current involvement at Quest is a phase? My "God phase" if you will. I've done this for longer than he's known me. I get interested in something and it takes my attention to the exclusion of everything else.
<excuse me, while I Google. I want to find that quote. you know, the one about always having time for what we find most important? Hmm, don't remember enough of the phrasing to find it, mmm, prioritizing, procrastination, time management>
We even talked about it. He complained that I was spending too much time at church, or doing things for church. I told him that God comes first, that I supposed I would have to learn to be more efficient at home, since I wouldn't be spending less time at church.
Then, I spent less time at church.
<checking email. back in a sec; took longer than I thought: I found another comment about my chili posts, and wrote back a reply including an updated picture of the ingredients, now that I've added three ingredients to the picture. Of course, now that I've been reminded about our visually challenged readers, I had to list OUT all the ingredients shown in the picture.>
And I could feel the walls of indolence, retreat, hermitage, laziness and procrastination build their way up around me. I wasn't going to the Mat or Celebration, but I wasn't doing any more at home, either. LJ Idol came up, and I realized I hadn't been opening up and staying involved with my growth at all.
<yes, I know this seems like an abrupt change coming up: bear with me, this is what it's like in real-time in my head -- I usually edit. A LOT.>
I've started a lot of projects in my time. I've gotten heavily invested (usually with time and attention; interest; not money) in hobbies or causes or whatever. But I've also quite frequently fallen away again.
I can't remember what I ended up doing with the tiny bag of yellow and white yarn, and the little daisy spool, when I cleaned out the maple parquet desk that Granddaddy built. Mom still has the desk. I never did more than about five daisies for what was going to be a beautiful afghan.
I made two of the plaid-pattern-transformed-into-knitting-p
I never did more than cut the squares for the tumbling blocks quilts that I was going to make the boys. Those squares are still neatly bagged on a shelf in the "craft room."
I can still remember the look of shock on Ro's face, when all I could give her was what amounted to a do-it-yourself-kit for a bead curtain. Not enough time before her birthday, and now that's been two birthdays back. I just need to block out the time, string all the beads...
I'm not sure which personality trait I detest more, interrupting people (or myself, for that matter), or not finishing things; but I know that they're related, deep down to a part of me. I'm easily distracted, and I don't stay focused. I don't Remain.
Helen is teaching us to quit trying, instead, to Remain in Him.
Is this a trait of my personality or my nature? I know that in Christ anything is possible, and yet I've never even thought to ask to change this in me. And yet, and yet.
When I stopped going to the Mat, I rationalized it. It was all about past activity; was that really affecting me? Wasn't it enough to merely seek leadership about my now? After all, the class really did seem to be all about the then, and not the now. But S pulled at me. "Have you talked to L yet?" She'd ask. And C pushed me. "L was put as a leader into your life and God hasn't said she isn't anymore. Talk to her." And then the dreams starting coming back. Sprawling in a bed, naked under the sheets, while a certain attractive math teacher was coaching the speech team?
I'm in a new place, where I'm in community, and where the people in my community won't leave me behind. I'm going back to the Mat. And I've been asked to do more in the church.
And I seem to have more time at home.
Maybe enough, that I'll be able to find time to pull out that bead curtain again.
Hey look; I didn't think I'd finish this up before I had to pack up from my quiet time in between spaces.
Finishing stuff. I can do that.