My weekend has been weird.
The rest of Friday:
It turns out that a phone was off the hook, and I didn't find out my car was ready until I called them. Which would have been sooner, if I hadn't decided to update live journal while I was waiting *blush*.
I finally got on the road a little before 2, scarfing down some food while I drove, because I didn't want to wait any longer.
But Friday was a day for waiting, apparently. I hit something on the road -- little something, just a bump, no apparent damage, move along... That is, until I started to notice road noise on the right side of my car, getting steadily louder.
Have I described here how terribly, wonderfully well my car handles when one tire is losing air rapidly? No affect on the steering at all. Just road noise.
Anyway, I managed to pull safely onto the shoulder, just past a freeway entrance, so it would be easier to get to where my car was. And then I called AAA. Why pay them if you don't use them, I say. And then I got out my knitting and starting casting on the stitches for the right front. I'd finished the left front the night before.
Before AAA called back, however, a young woman drove up behind me in a dark green capri. She walked up to my window, and offered to, rather insisted on changing my tire for me. I describe her car, because all she asked in return was that if I ever see her car on the side of the road, that I stop and give whatever assistance she might need. I stood between her and the traffic while she worked, and heaved the broken tire into the back while she was putting the spare on for me. She wouldn't even accept paper towels and cleaner, and she told me that there was a Wal-Mart off the next exit.
On my way to the Wal-Mart, I was finally called by AAA. When I told them I didn't need them anymore, they asked me to call back to cancel a road call in the future. I'm thinking they could have called me a bit sooner, personally.
Wal-Mart gave me over a third off on the new tire, for the tread left on my old one -- I always purchase the road hazard insurance -- and I managed to refrain from shopping for more than just hand cleaner to replace what I'd used up in the car.
I finally got to Louisville by about 5pm, when I'd been expecting to arrive at 12:30. Sigh.
On the bright side, by the time I left town, Flar had told me it would be okay to stay overnight. So at least I didn't have to practically just turn right around and go home.
At Wolf and Sydb's, we had a yummy dinner of pasta and marinara and thai noodle dinner (I had a plate of halfsies, of what each were eating), while we watched Angel and Smallville. I enjoyed seeing Angel again and I always enjoy Smallville when I watch it with them, but am resolutely refraining from adding to my regular shows.
Somehow or other Wolf and I got into a stupid fight, and then I spent the next 24 hours or so in a horrible depression. I should really say here that if anything started it, it was something I said, not him, and that the two weren't causally related, but just that the one followed the other. Tears that certainly weren't justified by what we were fighting about, or even the manner of the fight or anything. And then a continuing fight to hold back tears.
That sort of crying that seems to pick out of the air all the possible things that one could be sad about, imagined or real, justified or not, etc. Much of which I live with on a daily basis. Like living so far apart from each other, struggling to "keep up" with how much I'd like to get done, wanting to be able to get my house clean and keep it organized, and just a ton of all the hundreds of different ways that life isn't perfect, or I'm not perfect, or those around me... etc. etc. And it continued, in small and big ways the next day. Some obvious, like being all teary and quiet and no fun, other not so obvious, when I was so quiet, because only horrible things to say kept coming into my head. The kind of things that imply that the people around you are horrible and unkind. Which in fact is so totally untrue that I had nothing I could say, then those kind of thoughts were crushing out any others, besides "that's so horribly untrue how can I be thinking it?" and stuff.
Which explains why so much of Saturday seems a blur to me. I woke when Wolf and Sydb were getting ready to leave the house and ate breakfast that Wolf fixed.
I went back to bed and woke when it was time to take my medicine. I don't remember whether I went back to sleep or got up then, but eventually I got up and packed and took a bath. I soaked in the tub, finishing the book I'd bought. Now, baths are a place for crying, for me. Nope, not Saturday, not with all that pent up inside me. Just read and soaked and almost slept again.
I finally got out and did dishes and then Wolf and Sydb were back with lunch for the road, and I piled into the back to eat and stay in the car when they went in for Roo. Cause I was wearing my Ethical Slut shirt, because I didn't know we'd be going there on Saturday when I'd packed on Friday.
Somewhere along the way -- oh, when I was washing dishes -- Flar called me. I'd misunderstood about when his meeting was delayed to -- next Saturday, not later in the day. But I'd already told Wolf and Sydb I could stay until after their church thing, so I told Flar I'd be leaving sometime after they got home, and I'd had time to hang out with them.
But I'd forgotten about grocery shopping when I'd said that. And by the time we got back with Roo and the groceries (I did get candy that Critter needs to bring to school, so it was helpful), and Wolf had put away the groceries and killed the winged ant-shaped things swarming in a spot on the lawn and hung a three tiered basket in the kitchen, and then decided he was hungry enough that he really ought to go ahead and start dinner... By that time I still wanted to be there and not home yet, and called Flar and told him I was staying through dinner after all. I could hear disappointment in his voice, but he didn't ask me not to stay.
Somehow, I think in part of being sad, I wanted to be told what to do, but nobody was telling me anything. I knew that I was wanted there, but I didn't feel asked or pressed to stay. I could tell that I was disappointing Flar, but he didn't act as if he wanted me home, either.
In being sad, and seeing the worst of anything, I just didn't feel wanted. And somehow, I just wished life would stand still a bit, to give me time to be held and cuddled and told that everything would be okay -- and that it would feel like it lasted days instead of seconds or minutes.
Dinner was short and I'm sure it was a relief really to see me go, even though I know that Wolf and Sydb would rather me stay -- it's just so draining really, to be around someone that you care about, and know that they're sad, and not be able to do anything about it.
When I called to say I was on the road, Flar was surprised that it was so soon, and we agreed to wait until today for the roast chicken he'd been planning. And that picking up donuts would be a nice thing to do, yes.
I'd turned on the Buffy CD, but well Going Through the Motions felt all too personal in the mood I was in, so I searched around until I could find a talk radio station that was playing something besides sports. And limited myself to only three donuts. And got home.
I had just written an "I'm home and I'm safe" message to Wolf's phone, when Critter called to find out where I was. When I said that I was just passing Alpha Farm, he said he'd meet me outside with Flood. And as I pulled in to the garage, there they all were: Critter with Flood on her leash, and Tigger and Werthers, and all very very glad to see me. Jumping and running and chanting (well, not the animals) "Mommy! Mommy!"
Sometimes it's the very little things that help so very much. I was home in time to read four chapters of Voyage of the Dawn Treader before their bedtime, and then I went on to bed myself, and talked to Flar about various and sundry, while waiting until it was late enough to take my ear drops. And then cupping my hand around my good ear to keep it being buried in the pillow as Flar continued to talk to me while I let the ear drops drip.
Couldn't say what we talked about, because it wasn't anything important or vital, but just everyday and slowly, somehow, the sad just seeped back into the pit from which it came. I woke up today feeling just me again. Tomorrow no doubt, terrible cramps.
This morning I woke up feeling lazy and not horrible at all. I slept off and on (between taking ear drops and medicine) until Flar came in from checking email. He'd brought the paper and offered me first pick. I suggested he take the "news" part and I'd divide out the rest (into ads and stuff we don't read, coupons, stuff he reads but I don't, and stuff I read). He takes considerably less time to read the "news" part than I do (stubborn thoroughness on my part; faster reading speed on his part), so when he'd finished that and the comics, and I was still hoarding the rest of what I read, I talked him into fixing me breakfast while he was waiting. Scrambled eggs and donuts. Yum. This month the special donut at Krispy Kreme is pumpkin cake. Did I mention yum?
By the time I'd finished breakfast, gotten up and thrown on a lounging thingie, and brushed my hair and tied it up again, I decided it would be fun to play a game. So I got the kids to talk Daddy into it, and they decided on Monopoly. Last year for Christmas, we'd gotten Critter Monopoly in the car-shaped tin. It has a really nice bank tray, with a rotating holder for the deed titles, and all the money have colored pictures on them, and the board is numbered. As in, a limited edition. With at least 4 digits in our number, that is.
We decided to play the official short version of the rules, which starts out each player with three free properties, dealt at random, changes the hotel rule to three houses plus the price of a house, shortens the jail term to one turn, and ends the game at the first bankruptcy. It was pretty fun. I'd gotten tired of the noise level, and thought I could end the game by bankrupting myself to pay Critter the hotel rent for Boardwalk, instead of excepting his offer to accept two railroads (to complete his rr monopoly), but I was able to make the rent. And in fact, later sold one of my mortgaged monopolies to him for a thousand, so that I was able to unmortgage one on my monopolies, put houses on it, and thus stay in the game. Until Flar went bankrupt to him, instead. By then Critter had the clear majority of both properties and cash, so we didn't bother to count up.
After playing the game, Flar wandered off to check email and I decided I'd like to sit and knit. So I suggested a movie, and found Spy Hard had just started. It was the sort of silly, mindless movie that the boys enjoy and that I was up for. Flar wandered back in and joined Critter and I watching it. Tigger played Roller Coaster Tycoon upstairs.
After the first movie was over, we watched Switch. The 1991 Blake Edwards movie, starring Ellen Barkin and Jimmy Smits, that is. IMDB shows 44 titles with Switch in it. Wow. I recognize the plot as being the same as another movie ... searching ... Yep. A 1964 movie with Tony Curtis and Debbie Reynolds, called Goodbye, Charlie. The ending was a bit different this time around.
By then, dinner was ready. Flar had roast the Chicken in a tasty glaze and made red beans and rice to go with it. We ate it while watching the first Spy Kids movie. After that, it was time to read Narnia. Tonight we finished Voyage of the Dawn Treader and read one chapter of The Silver Chair. I got all choked up at the end of the Voyage, when Aslan was telling Lucy and Edmond that they wouldn't return to Narnia. Those books still get to me.
Then more knitting while I took a whole five minutes to catch up reading live journal, and then over an hour to write this update. Before I go to bed, I'll hotsync, then at least download my email, even if I decide not to read all of it.
I'm still not back to exercising. I have another appointment with the ear doctor tomorrow, and I suppose if he says I'm well, then I'll have no excuse. ;) I've been journalling my food, and weighing in on Tuesdays, though. Just the very thought of reporting my eating is toning it down a bit. The next step will be to start recording calories, and see how much I'm actually consuming. I think I'll probably have to start the exercises back at 5 situps and 5 pushups again, and I'd really like to find some substitute for running in place, as it joggles my head more than I like when I've got sinus pressure. My guess is that I'd have to walk more than 5 minutes to get the same benefit though. Maybe stairs?
Tomorrow I really need to pay bills and get the checkbook updated and all of what I've been avoiding for the last few days. But as it's a bank holiday, and I'll be going out to the ear doctor anyway, I'll probably fit the trip over to Knight and Ro's around driving to the ear doctor, and then tackle the bills once I'm home.
The kids do have school tomorrow, but the bank will be closed, and I think there won't be mail delivery, but I haven't checked that one.
And now to catch up on email...