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Minikin's Journal

Routine Ramblings of an Occasionally Interesting Housewife

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Do you believe in the reader?
LJ Idol
This is my entry for LJ Idol, Topic 10: Whose LJ is it anyway? Balancing personal expression and friends-list sensibilities in determining content.

I started this journal way back in 2001, when I was frustrated and needed a place to write it all out. I ran into enough mild annoyances getting it started, that I'd run out of steam by the time I wrote my first entry. Over the years, I've used this journal to write about my days, to plan my weeks, to chronicle events that I didn't want to forget, and to work out my "stuff" on a blank canvas. I rarely filter these entries, but there was a time when I was rather scrupulous about using nicknames and distancing my journal from me and hiding from web-crawlers. I felt the presence of the audience; anonymous people I didn't know, who I felt wouldn't be able to connect my journal back to me, and a very small circle of friends to whom I gave the journal id.

Live Journal is the first instance of my ever consistently journalling. I've dozens of paper journals, with few entries. In my youth, they were dated diaries with keyed locks. As I learned more about myself, they became lined, blank journals. I found that the audience, no matter how anonymous, is a vital foil. Without audience, I have no voice. I still use these blank books. A journal for lists, for notes from service, for maps to friends' houses. A journal for prayers. I've learned about journalling prayers, and through the emotion evident in my handwriting, I can look back and see God's hand on me during the prayer.

I started my LJ during a carefree time. It's been with me through reckless days, through deeply emotional days, through a descent into stress-filled, dark times. It's been a shallow overview of daily errands, a canvas for optimistic dreams, and a dumping ground of pure venting. It has never occurred to me to temper my words for my "audience." I've occasionally filtered the contents for such happy entries as surprise party plans, and for terrible, mean-spirited fights.

In 2006, when I came to Christ, a major stone that was lifted from me was secrecy and hiding. I became a treasured child of God, pure and forgiven. And there was nothing in my past or present that would turn Christ or my loving community at Quest away from me. It seemed natural to pull my Mom back into the hidden places in my life; I didn't merely give her the URL for my journal, I had Critter show her how to add it to her Safari RSS feeds, so she could know when I updated it. I sign my emails with my URL.

And, actually as a result of this writing competition, I've begun to understand.

My journal doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Him. In the same way that my life belongs to Him. My words are read, examined, even judged by others, just as my actions are. I am still human, still an imperfect child, still learning my first steps. But even my mistakes are laid out for others here. This is my life, lived for Him, for others to question, perhaps to learn.

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Wonderful and thought provoking as always. I really like the last paragraph, it says so much. Thanks again for sharing.

You have done a lot of thinking to get to your revelation.

I am glad that you did this writing competition. I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy your writing.

Thank you. I'm glad, too. It's through this competition that I discovered your journal; I'm enjoying the glimpses into your life.

I give you major kudos for letting your mother read. Maybe that's because you're a good person. Me? My mother would be shocked by some of the things she'd read in my LJ.

I'm not a good person. But, she knows I'm forgiven, and that I'm learning to follow Him. Yeah, she's probably shocked by some of it. But, she's my mom, and she loves me.

Great entry.
I started my LJ as a dumping ground as well.

There have been so many times when I've sat down to write a rant, and by the time I was done, my mood had completely evaporated. It helps so much for me to pull things apart and examine them.

I understand that without an audience you have no voice. I feel the same way. I think you are incredibly brave to let your mother read your LJ. There are just some things that my mom doesn't get to read :)

Last September, I sat down and talked, for just a little bit, with Mom. About this class I was going to, called No Stones, and what it was about, and why I was going. And I thought I'd have to tell her all this stuff, explaining about all this stuff in my life. But,

she already knew. She knew, and she loved me, and she never pushed me to talk about it, and when I did talk of it, she just held me and loved me and cried with me.

I can imagine sometimes Mommy might cry reading parts of my journal, and you know what, that's okay. Cause, she's my Mommy and she loves me, and we're not divided by hiding anymore.

That is awesome.

My mom and I never had a great relationship; it was obvious to us all that my sister was *hers* and I was my dad's. Now that I have a child, I want to make it so clear that he can talk to either of us, when he's able to do so.

My parents were both very loving and open with me, growing up, I love them both, but yeah, I'm closer to mom. I think it's just for me, it seems like a bunch of stuff is girl-to-girl kind of subject matter, so I share more with Mom

Hee hee. Nice link text for the sentiment.

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It's one of those things I learned as a kid, that our every action is a silent witness of Christ in our lives. It's only now that I really entered into relationship with Him, that I'm coming to understand the true meaning and importance of that.

"tabula rasa"
When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you will be based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say.

that was my first public post on livejournal. i'd never blogged before and i didn't yet know what blogging would mean to me then but it's much like developing relationships IRL.

your references to religion don't really speak to me but i do like your postings and your way of saying things. keep on keeping on:)

your references to religion don't really speak to me but i do like your postings and your way of saying things. keep on keeping on:)

Thank you for commenting about this. I really appreciate hearing your encouragement, especially considering that this portion of my content doesn't speak to you. Thank you.

You are brave and real. I would never let my mom read what I write here, even though I am shockingly ungraphic.

Thank you for the compliments. I save through so many phases in my life. I would never have expected to get to where I am now.

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