Doodle Bug (minikin) wrote,
Doodle Bug
minikin

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Unmasking for Halloween

This is my Introduction for LJ Idol.

Picking apart threads of continuity and sequence from a felted ball of colorful whims and impulses.

Me?

Who I am, my thoughts, my actions, my circumstances, my appearance, my associates, my loves, my passions.

Time spent reveals priorities, desires, duties.

I suspect many of these entries will be disjoint and scattered as I put the characters on the screen concurrent to digging deeper than a shallow pass.

1 year, 6 months and a day ago, I made a decision to dig deeper. I had been leading a shallow existence, ready with quick, surface answers to inquiries. I wanted to truly live and truly participate and I returned to core beliefs I'd held as early as 2 years old.

I shared more, felt more, then coasted. I dug back in and learned and experienced and laughed and cried. I look back at journal entries filled with hope and expectations. I tackled some tough problems.

And ran away.

It's sitting there. "homework" that I've stuffed in a corner, that I've hidden away from the everyday me, carefree to coast way back up to shallow. Oddly, the last assignment read and not begun? My story.

I've been sick lately. Sick enough, or long enough, to write whiny posts in LJ. Friends have commented that I'm not myself, subdued, withdrawn. The infection took my hearing for a time, and that left me in a cloud world of my own - my own voice amplified in my head, dampening my volume as I spoke aloud, compensating. Others' voices were there, with the volume turned down, and two-dimensional from the disparity in hearing levels between my ears.

Leaving me to contemplate myself again and find that I've been withdrawing from participation before my hearing was withdrawn, getting shallow again, wrapping around myself. Not feeling.

Happy is comfortable. Happy is easy. Happy is popular and desirable and just, well, good.

But there's unhappy that hasn't even been suppressed, it's just been plain neglected and ignored. And I've recognized that and know what's to be done.

So, me.

Who I am, my thoughts, my actions, my circumstances, my appearance, my associates, my loves, my passions.

Time spent reveals priorities, desires, duties.

I am me, Deb, Minikin in this place. 'kin when it suits. My thoughts ooze out without much prompting, no matter how straight-forward or lofty the prose. I am mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee. I run errands, keep house (no matter how poorly or inconsistently), cook, shop, drive, eat, sleep, type, color, dream, design, talk, sing, zone out, think, and not least, babble. I often set goals I don't attain. I make lists that don't get touched, and lists that structure my day.

I live in the country, five minutes from town. Our house is big, old, messy, and full of life. I have a husband and two sons, three dogs and too much clutter. My days get defined by lists of tasks instead of goals and achievements. I exemplify inertia, staying awake long hours, with long hours of sleep to follow. I ramp up slowly, then have trouble quitting.

I earned a BA in computer science/math science at Rice University, and I worked as a systems programmer for seven years before I quit when my first son was born. He will be 18 in 12 days. A bit over three years ago, I started working for a records-imaging company as an indexer on the night shift. I enjoy the quiet there, and find the typing relaxing. I generally listen to podiobooks while I type.

I have red hair and green eyes, which would have had me burned as a witch in years past. I am descended from pirates, my patronymic ancestor having arrived on these shores with Jean Lafitte. My red hair served me well in the awkward teenage years, when no matter what I thought of my skin or my figure, I had my pretty red hair to fall back on. I was always skinny as a kid, grew into a slender young woman, then steadily put on weight after college and marriage, to build my 230 lb "mom-body." I'm not fond of the saggy belly, and my hips are wide enough to be squishy in airplane seating, but on the whole I'm comfy with me.

I spend a lot of time at my church these days, and with close friends, and with family. I've a nicely checkered past, which has netted me what I consider to be a wonderfully eclectic set of friends. Some I see or talk with daily, others I only get to check in with now and again. I also spend a bit of time with my kids, and at school events or activities.

My loves and passions are people and beauty, art and design and imagination. I'm easily distracted by shiny objects, but I can concentrate so much on a graphic design or a program that I forget to eat. I love color and expression and vibrant living.

I spend my time on daily minutiae, escape into LJ and cat macros, veg with Tetris and TV or podiobooks, and desire to spend more time in quiet with my God.

I am me.
Tags: lj idol, reflection, walls
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