Doodle Bug (minikin) wrote,
Doodle Bug

  • Mood:

Feeling posty

Disjointed bits from conversations.

A question: So are you looking at removing bondage and bisexuality from your regular sexuality/expression or just trying to modify them a bit to fit in a healthier framework ?

Thinking: For the now, the former. I'm not good at not following roads to the extreme. Kind of like an alcoholic having to give up alcohol, I need to give up BDSM. I found out last summer that God has actually taken away what I called Audrey II, that escalating need that starts from any sexuality. However, I'm also very aware of the way awakening sexual desire skews my everyday vision, distracts me, messes with my priorities. I'm liking this comfortable place of being able to love without desire - a more truly self-less love that allows for healthier expressions and interactions. Desire turns into a self-perception of need turns into a craving turns into all-about-me-not-you. It's a path that's led me to shameful self-centerness that I've lashed people with. I've driven away people in the past, and I hurt for them.

Comment: Plus some people manipulated those feelings in you and parked you on the dent and ding rack ...

They didn't put me there, I did.

Rambly thoughts about chosing non-sexuality for now:

I have a lot of confusion right now over my past and my present and lots of wounds to heal. The biggest casualty is my relationship with Flar; we remain married, but it is not what I idealize as marriage, I mean, we don't have sex at all anymore, and it's been years since Flar has been able to say that he loves me. Poly is on the face a good thing, with more loving, but I can't honestly say that my marriage with Flar is the stronger for it. I determined last April that I would stop trying to figure it all out for myself, stop leading my own life and really turn it all over to God, to truly follow him. There's a lot of thoughtful work out there about poly lining up with, not opposing a Christian walk, but I need to get deep and hear what God has for me. And I KNOW that he didn't want for me to be in the kind of relationship I had with Camel, one that ended up being first priority in my life, before any thought of God, much less others or even myself. I KNOW that God doesn't want me to be so dependent on sex itself that I was accurately protraying that part of me as Audrey II ever more hungry for more, and devouring others for the fix.

No Stones is helping me look at my past and see not merely the actions, but the consequences. Learn about the difference between sex and love, which have been too wrapped together in my mind. Last week, the sermon What God says about Gun Control was about sex. About how God DESIGNED it to be an experience that bonds and intertwines. So it's no surprise that love and sex are all mixed up together.

​And yet I have a pretty hefty experience of separating the two and diluting the purpose of sex.
Tags: sex

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