Doodle Bug (minikin) wrote,
Doodle Bug

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Yesterday morning, around 3am, my mother-in-law died.

It's been three years coming. Three years since she went into total renal failure. About a year on home dialysis, another year on hemo. Countless trips to the hospital for countless problems. You don't truly appreciate the complexity of the organic processes carried out automatically by the body, until some of those processes start failing. Everything's interconnected.

And to quote another post that was too painful to be public,

Why is it, that no matter how f****** prepared you are for that single, rapidly approaching light,

it still hits like train-wreck.

My relationship with Turnip is no longer a sexual one.

But we are still friends, and the trip really showed me that being friends is good, and will last. Can last. It hurt, but I barely really had time to hurt about it before I found out about Barbar.

My feelings are all mixed up. General sadness from the closeness of death. Specific sadness from the loss of a part of a relationship. Sadness that I wasn' t home with Flar when his mother died.

How do I feel when a person that was a big part of my life, grandmother to my children, mother to my husband, dies?

How do I feel, knowing that I didn't really like her?

Over the last three years, I was better able to keep that dislike to myself, and not spew it all over her. We are two very different people. Too different to ever be close friends. But I hope I was a little better daughter to her, at the end.

We're playing pass the Bebe for now. Keeping him company, making sure there's someone there, keeping him busy. I held him this morning when he cried.

I don't really like Bebe either. But it doesn't mean I can't be kind.

Mom is here. We're all here now.

There's to be a viewing tomorrow night and a funeral Saturday morning.

I'm home now. I sat up with Flar last night, and held him when he cried. We kept close to each other as much as we could, asleep.

He thought he'd prepared himself for this. But that doesn't really make any of it any easier.

I don't like thinking about this happening to Flar someday. Later, better than sooner, but still, someday.

So there's also fear with the sadness. Fear of the future.

And hope. There will always be hope.

And resolve. To live the now and not let it slip by unnoticed.

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