Doodle Bug (minikin) wrote,
Doodle Bug

  • Mood:

light through dark matter

I cried tonight.

Tears of past hurts. Tears of future fears. Tears of appalling hopes that will never come to be. Tears of astonished ooh, what's good word for happiness that doesn't paint glee or bouncing but shy reaching out for acceptance of a miracle of small precious good?

I was told I was loved tonight. For many years longer than I thought I was, well, existant in that direction.

Mood bouncing around like, well, Deb.

yeah, i meant to type that. deal.

2 hours, 2 hours, 4 hours. that adds up to 8, but then i need to start another counting of broken pieces. catch up on monday?

i thought i was through sobbing broken hearted grieving but this was weird and old and over and didn't drag.

does a pill that takes 6 weeks to take affect wear off after a mere 12 hours late dose?

in answer to "so why are you here again?" I wrote

to beat my head repeated against the same walls until i break into little itty bitty pieces and just say "help me" only I think the prayer is supposed to be more specific so what the fuck good is break into itty bitty pieces again?

When I decided to zone out and read my friends list, I found this.

Who else is love?   
pseudomonas me scripsit anno 2005

Now, when I look at the post in the original journal, the pictures were taken from her icons, but in my friends view, they were already my icons. Not sure which you are looking at right now, but I'm hoping you are seeing your name in the phrase ".. is love".

So, yeah ups and downs. I got to hear about new love. I was made aware of older love - there, but tres nice to have pointed out. I mourned lost experience of love that well, hasn't really died, just the expression of it.

Alive tonight. introspective. and apparently not coherent.

and now for broccoli/cheese quiche; 2 hours nap; dealer; church group.

going to talk to my appr. life group leader tomorrow about getting together for a very very long talk.

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