Doodle Bug (minikin) wrote,
Doodle Bug

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This is living

So I've been seeing Troi for a while, and the other night I dreamed that I told her I thought there wasn't any reason to go back. I've been keeping track and I haven't been feeling down or high-strung and all my journal entries have been "happy" etc.

That's not necessarily great. I mean, I haven't been rolling in the aisles giggly happy, just that go along not high buzz, life is going along around me and I seem to be coping and keeping up and being all adult and calm and okay kind of happy. And there's a whole lot of what I could point to a year ago and say see, this is why I'm crying wouldn't you? still around me, and yet I'm not and I'm happy, and well, am I a zombie, or what?

Or is this what grow up, suck it up, get over it, pull yourself together are all supposed to be about, and am I really all that honest with myself much less anyone else...

Okay, that's all background.

Today was living.

This morning, I was awake exactly when I needed to leave the house, but only about 15 minutes late for working at the new site of the church. There are enough moms in my small group that I wasn't too much later than the rest of the group, as it turned out. I spent what seemed no time at all sweeping and chatting, while Critter apparently squirmed into a small dusty space under the stage (he came out all grey); we ate a nice provided lunch of chicken and sides, picked up a prescription for Flar and went home.

While we were eating lunch, a couple of the women were discussing getting a piece of furniture from point A to point B. I volunteered my minivan and Critter. We agreed to go home and take measurements. At home, I spent some time chatting online and ordered a few SD cards, taking advantage of the summer coupon I have for cell phone shop.

When Critter and I went out to measure the van, it was his idea to take let Flood and Ouchie go with us. They are more likely to stay close to home than Dizzy. In fact, they trotted into the garage with us, and hopped into the car when we opened it. So we took them for a joyride up Marshall Branch. Ouchie loved it, even did the whole head-out-the-window thing. Flood was nervous. She's always nervous in a moving car. Back at home, Flood went directly to the back door, and Ouchie ran across the street. *frustrated sigh* Ouchie followed Critter home without annoyance, but she shouldn't be crossing the street in the first place. On the other hand, it was neat to see how Flood prefers to stay close to me.

The measurements worked out, so we set up a time when C's hubby could meet us at L's. Meantime, I prepped dinner, and found out we were shy an onion of making Peanut Butter Stew. We left the house with everything measured and ready for chopping and cutting and cooking when we got home.

The piece of furniture just fit in my car. It's one of those computer desks that folds up to look like an armoire. If all goes well, this will be the last hauling errand I make with it. I may have a lead on a family looking to trade up from a car to a van. Ideally, their car will suit me, and my car will suit them, and we'll trade, with me giving them the insurance money to use on whatever repairs they chose for the car. Mind you, that's my idea before talking to them and finding out what kind of car they're driving now, etc.

Right, so while we were loading the computer armoire, it started to rain. Which made it extra special nice that the back door could close. I noticed that my car was more swoopy steering in the wet, and then when we were heading home from unloading the armoire, it was down right scary. I did okay driving, but it was like hitting black ice in winter, you know? By the time I was home, I was pretty rattled, but I wanted Flar to see how it was handling, so I swapped to the passenger side, and asked him to drive. It didn't seem nearly so scary when he was driving, and he was all calm and [to my perception] blasé about the whole thing.

I'm not really sure why I cried. Whether it was just release after having to keep it together when I was scared. Whether it was frustration at feeling I was scared by a condition of my car that Flar seemed to think was nothing to be afraid of. I really don't know. But when we got back home, I just wanted to cry and be held and curl up into a ball and retreat. I tried to talk to Flar about it, and he just doesn't understand. Doesn't understand why pulling over when it got scary to drive would have been even worse. (We're talking about driving from Tates Creek and Man-O-War to home, feeling the swoopy slippy sliding about four times in total on that route.) Why I don't know if I could have driven home at all if I had stopped. Why I had to call Ro and ask her to come to the house with the onion we needed and why I was crying.

But. I wasn't standing in a corner thinking I was out of control or making unreasonable demands. I was asking Flar to try to help me understand what was wrong with my car, make it less scary. And he didn't understand, but he tried to help. He's really so unfortunately still the pat-the-back-with-a-bewildered-look kind of comforter.

And then we got up and sat in the living room, watching Master Blasters throw rocket lawn darts, and he gave me the rest of his drink - a cachaca, cranberry juice, orange juice, cherry liqueur concoction whose ice had melted enough to be quite yummy, and by the time Ro showed up with an onion, I was slicing away at the spinach and well, recovered.

And she brought me flowers. She says she had to buy it, because the flower was twinned, but she was LOOKING at the flowers, so she was thinking about buying them, and she brought me color and life and the unusual, and it was just right. I promised her I would take pictures - so I put them here.

Peanut Butter Stew was late and yummy.

The High and the Mighty was long and classic. Ro and I took turns snoozing and Knight was very kind and didn't wake us. They land safely in the end, and I'm safe and sound at home.

Flar let me drive his car to Knight and Ro's. He's letting me drive his car tomorrow to church. And on Monday, Knight is going to help me make the car not scary to drive. I may have a lead on a good car trade, where everyone would benefit, and I won't be trying to sell someone a car I'm too scared to drive, and everything's okay in my little piece of this big world.

Tomorrow, Critter and I have a plan to face down the fireplace clutter.

I think I'm still alive in here somewhere.

Oh, and bonus. I figured out that LJ will make icon-sized thumbnails of pictures I upload. no muss, no fuss. :)

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