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minikin

Minikin's Journal

Routine Ramblings of an Occasionally Interesting Housewife


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minikin
Alarm woke me this morning. That's 'kin:1, alarm:1. Staying up in the middle of the night thinking does not help my side of that battle.

working backwards again.

Last night, I was sleepy when I lay in bed. I ran into a chapter early in reading and didn't start the next. Turned out the light, snuggled against Flar,

and then couldn't turn off my head.

I haven't had a sleepless night for reason of thinking about him, for some time now. Seems like a long time, cause I can't remember when. Heck, last Wednesday's phone dealie didn't keep me up.

Last night, a perfectly ordinary, completely harmless phone call. He called me. Settled details of returning some belongings. Then filled me in on ho-hum life details. The kind of thing I used to be able to read in Sydb's journal, the kind of thing I used to hear about as they happened. Good stuff, they're happy, they're setting and meetin goals, go them. Go him.

The rest of work, until I slapped in the earbuds and starting listening to Portuguese lessons, I couldn't stop thinking about them.

Portuguese. I listened to all the introductory material for the course, and then Unit 1. I walked, even though I'd already exercised - good habits are silly to break. With Details' help, I'd used up all the work by 11pm. I'm not working this Thursday, because Belmikey is coming for a visit. I told Opman I could work Tuesday, but it seems unlikely, given the state of the queues when I left.

Middle of the night. I logged on to read email and LJ, see who was online, find some way to stop thinking about them. They were both online. Didn't message them. That would not forward the reason for crawling out of bed rather than waking up Flar for a dry shoulder.

IMed with Pandria, Lothie, with Wolfwitch, with Brad... Caught up on my email. Caught up on LJ. Didn't send a whiney email or an angry email or an aloof email. Didn't do anything reeking of decision in the middle of the night.

Brad poked me about emotional stuff. Asked me about ecstasy and madness. I talked about worship and other needful forms of ecstasy. My need for ecstasy and release of rationality.

So much I've put off writing about.

Okay, so maybe this is less of a life update and more of a short dip through the swirling colors.

There is a powerful attraction to giving up responsibility. Responsibility for stopping, for being cautious, for watching.

Ecstasy. I find it in worship. I find it in beauty. I find it in the simple act of creating beauty or utility. I find it in sex.

Violent, sweaty, edgy sex. Blood is sex, but sex is not necessarily blood. Pain and control and release of thought of mind. Sex, connection, feeling the vibration of the air around me, set moving by the beat of my heart or the rhythm of my partners thrust. Feeling the pulsing beyond us, of currents in the air, of witness motes of dust.

I am not safe for others right now.

Oh, the healing of ecstasy, of joy, I can feel its cool touch deep inside me. Simple joys such as companionship. Forgotten joys such as the deep thudding pounding of fists. The long overlooked joy of deepest understanding and acceptance and love.

I am not safe for others right now, and yet so many pull me close to comfort me and drink from me instead of pulling away and protecting themselves. Almost constant companionship of my husbands. Sweet care and thoughtfulness from sister-wife(?) So many forgotten others.

The unpredictable trivia no longers menaces my stability, it is the reminders of the important that now endanger me..

Unsafe, unstable and consensual. With limits set by myself, unattainable in practice. Blood, incapacitation, drifting sleepy release.

Rambling feels good. Feels refreshing.

Ready to shower and face the day, alive with anticipation of the companionship of good friends, the challenge of simple physical sport, and optimism about the future.

I will see Knight today, and Spydie, and Grace, and Prez, and LaDonnaRena, and spend time with Flar and my children in the evening, and remember that I am held safe in His hands, my first love, oh so subtle in His presence. Ecstasy is mine for reaching at any moment, simply bathing in His splendor. A lesson freshly relearned each morning, sometimes hard knocked into me each night.

People ask.

I'm actually doing better than I have in years.

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What IM messenger do you use? I am usually on ICQ, but would sign on AOL if that is what you use.

Until such a time as I can use OS X on my laptop, I'll just be using AIM. There's multi-IM support for OS X, I believe. And of ICQ versus AIM, AIM appears to be more stable on this particular computer.

I was wondering then what is your user name on AIM.

DebHisle

I'm still working on remembering to be online when I'm using the computer, though...

How you worship is not so different from how I do.

Was nice talking to you last night.

Almost constant companionship of my husbands. Sweet care and thoughtfulness from sister-wife(?) So many forgotten others.

I'm curious - is that me?

We haven't talked about what we are; this is a conversation to have in person, no matter how tongue-tied we may be.

There was a need for talking of you in particular, wanting a reference without name, not having a label for reference, wanting to talk of so many things, and always feeling tongue-tied and quiet and willing to let it slip by and talk of other things.

Um, yeah, you. ;)

Anything worthwhile is hard, and I'm sorry you've had to go through so much pain - but I'm really trying to find a way to get out there soon to see you again - I want to see my Happy Deb - it feels like so long. At least just knowing that you're there again is good :)

huggles

Thank you.

Writing has been good.

So many people in my life, so critical to me.

Brad poked me. If there is a plan in everything, then I couldn't sleep so that Brad could poke me, so that I could write all of this out, after writing out to him what I did.

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