working backwards again.
Last night, I was sleepy when I lay in bed. I ran into a chapter early in reading and didn't start the next. Turned out the light, snuggled against Flar,
and then couldn't turn off my head.
I haven't had a sleepless night for reason of thinking about him, for some time now. Seems like a long time, cause I can't remember when. Heck, last Wednesday's phone dealie didn't keep me up.
Last night, a perfectly ordinary, completely harmless phone call. He called me. Settled details of returning some belongings. Then filled me in on ho-hum life details. The kind of thing I used to be able to read in Sydb's journal, the kind of thing I used to hear about as they happened. Good stuff, they're happy, they're setting and meetin goals, go them. Go him.
The rest of work, until I slapped in the earbuds and starting listening to Portuguese lessons, I couldn't stop thinking about them.
Portuguese. I listened to all the introductory material for the course, and then Unit 1. I walked, even though I'd already exercised - good habits are silly to break. With Details' help, I'd used up all the work by 11pm. I'm not working this Thursday, because Belmikey is coming for a visit. I told Opman I could work Tuesday, but it seems unlikely, given the state of the queues when I left.
Middle of the night. I logged on to read email and LJ, see who was online, find some way to stop thinking about them. They were both online. Didn't message them. That would not forward the reason for crawling out of bed rather than waking up Flar for a dry shoulder.
IMed with Pandria, Lothie, with Wolfwitch, with Brad... Caught up on my email. Caught up on LJ. Didn't send a whiney email or an angry email or an aloof email. Didn't do anything reeking of decision in the middle of the night.
Brad poked me about emotional stuff. Asked me about ecstasy and madness. I talked about worship and other needful forms of ecstasy. My need for ecstasy and release of rationality.
So much I've put off writing about.
Okay, so maybe this is less of a life update and more of a short dip through the swirling colors.
There is a powerful attraction to giving up responsibility. Responsibility for stopping, for being cautious, for watching.
Ecstasy. I find it in worship. I find it in beauty. I find it in the simple act of creating beauty or utility. I find it in sex.
Violent, sweaty, edgy sex. Blood is sex, but sex is not necessarily blood. Pain and control and release of thought of mind. Sex, connection, feeling the vibration of the air around me, set moving by the beat of my heart or the rhythm of my partners thrust. Feeling the pulsing beyond us, of currents in the air, of witness motes of dust.
I am not safe for others right now.
Oh, the healing of ecstasy, of joy, I can feel its cool touch deep inside me. Simple joys such as companionship. Forgotten joys such as the deep thudding pounding of fists. The long overlooked joy of deepest understanding and acceptance and love.
I am not safe for others right now, and yet so many pull me close to comfort me and drink from me instead of pulling away and protecting themselves. Almost constant companionship of my husbands. Sweet care and thoughtfulness from sister-wife(?) So many forgotten others.
The unpredictable trivia no longers menaces my stability, it is the reminders of the important that now endanger me..
Unsafe, unstable and consensual. With limits set by myself, unattainable in practice. Blood, incapacitation, drifting sleepy release.
Rambling feels good. Feels refreshing.
Ready to shower and face the day, alive with anticipation of the companionship of good friends, the challenge of simple physical sport, and optimism about the future.
I will see Knight today, and Spydie, and Grace, and Prez, and LaDonnaRena, and spend time with Flar and my children in the evening, and remember that I am held safe in His hands, my first love, oh so subtle in His presence. Ecstasy is mine for reaching at any moment, simply bathing in His splendor. A lesson freshly relearned each morning, sometimes hard knocked into me each night.
I'm actually doing better than I have in years.