Tuesday had not so good pieces, with introspection.
Tuesday, I discovered a truth about myself.
So, I'm all thoroughly modern and believe in lots o stuff. But occasionally, I come butt up against a belief I didn't realize I had. Some of it I already know about and happily co-exist with my seeming contradictions...
For instance, I've studied astrophysics and evolution and anthropology, etc. At the high school level, and continuing interest in scientific articles of a casual level of detail. But I still happily believe that it is all somehow compatible with my belief in a creator God.
I'm a libertarian by political belief and find myself compromising vastly to find a candidate I can vote for, etc. I believe in the least amount of government intrusion into personal decisions as can be possible. Then I have personal beliefs about how I should conduct myself as a person, regardless whether there's some sort of governmental involvement telling me I should.
For instance, I deplore the need for legal bans on smoking in public, as it so often tramples the rights of the slowly decreasing numbers of smokers, tells businesses how they should conduct themselves, etc. etc. But I enjoy going out and not breathing other people's smoke.
There have been two times in my life, where I faced the possibility that I might be pregnant when I didn't want to be. Once, I was late enough to seek testing, and that came out negative. The second time was really a milder scare, just some very slightly unsafe activity, but at a particularly inappropriate time, calendarically. The second time, the uncertainty was cleared up by simple waiting. Both times, I was absolutely convinced that I did not want to be pregnant. But neither time did I ever had to face the reality of a termination.
I support the right for other women to choose, but I truly don't know whether I could have made that choice myself, and am thankful I didn't have to. Don't think I really truly believe in abortion.
So, what did I discover about myself on Tuesday?
I don't truly, deep down, believe in divorce.
Oh sure, for other people. There's always going to be situations where it's best to end it. I can believe that, intellectually.
But when it comes down to it, I find that I have an extremely old-fashioned belief in the everlasting nature of marriage. Now, I'm not saying I haven't had relationships, ended them, had them ended for me.
I've only ever been in three relationships that are considered, by mutual consensus, marriage. Plus one that I'd be willing to term that, but didn't get that name applied to it.
And three of those relationships, including the one that doesn't really call itself marriage (but I believe we have called ourselve life partners a time or two), are still whole. Shifting patterns of interaction, attention, intensity, activity, but still whole.
So one of my difficulties here is that I am facing something that I discover I don't actually deepdown believe in. Divorce.
Didn't expect to end the relationship. Ever.
So I'm learning what it means for this relationship to be over, but also realizing that in some way, for me at least, it never will be. And facing what that means.
And, trying really hard to stop looking for the happy ending. That doesn't appear to be swooping in from the wings.
Knight stayed with me most of the day. I got caught up on updating Quicken. I made King Ranch Chicken for dinner. Demariana came over in the evening to keep me company. Envoy called me, and I melted down completely. It started with a discussion online with Belmikey, where I figured out about not believing in divorce, and feeling melancholy. Flar called on his way home, and I realized I hadn't started dinner yet. He asked me how I was feeling, and I told him sad, but not about anything new. I mean, realizing a new piece about what's still all going on isn't really new, exactly. Then Demariana showed up, and we hugged, and I didn't cry, and it was good to have company, then Envoy called, and I just froze up. Happy chipper perky sunshine voice. Sex is good and healthy enjoyment attitude of desire and promise. I couldn't talk, I couldn't banter, I couldn't even just say thank you. I froze, I whimpered, I bit my lip, I cried, I blubbered, I did that heart is breaking the world is over he's gone why can't I be happy with all I'm left breaking down type of cry.
Envoy stuck it out as long as I was willing to hold onto the phone - didn't run from the tears, and there thered and just loved. Demariana held me and loved me.
And the tears were over, and I cooked and I told Flar about divorce, and that he'd just have to kill me when he wants to get rid of me, and he played at wringing my neck, and grinned, and
so okay, maybe it was a good day.
I'm holding A LOT of tension in my neck and shoulders. Going to call and schedule an appointment for that spa visit, but after school gets started, I think. Probably has to be that far ahead, anyway. Flar rubbed on my neck last night and found one huge knot. It helped, because I don't feel as bad today as I have the past two, as far as head goes.
I think the progesterone helped. Period started with a whimper on Friday night; heavy flow started on Sunday; by yesterday the flow was back to a whimper. Yay!
Have to call my Ob/Gyn this week about the Lexapro. Gonna go over medication instructions again, as regards whether Day One is the spotting or the heavy flow, and whether ALL the supplements are days 15-28, or just the magnesium and some are all the time...
And there's more writing to do.