Doodle Bug (minikin) wrote,
Doodle Bug

A day

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Losing friends hurts. Especially when I can only kick myself for how horribly I behaved.

Today, not so whiny about losing him. Miss her like everything. Oh, sure, it hurts like anything, but today I was finally busy enough for the distraction value to kick in. But there were still so many little things.

I played taxi driver for Flar; his car was in the shop today:
  1. We left the house before 8am, dropped his car at the brake shop.

    Whinge: Flar got his brakes checked before I left for Texas (not by Mook's) and was told they were fine. By the time I go back, the car was making icky thunder and drag noises for stops. The final word today was new pads, right rotor turned and left rotor replaced. If I remember what we paid for my car correctly, his car's rotors are cheaper. ;)

  2. Then I made three (or maybe four) trips 'round the block while Flar took some papers into a law firm.
  3. After that, I dropped Flar off at Source for a meeting.
  4. While Flar was in his meeting,
    1. I dropped off an invoice at Exstream software,
    2. picked up tickets to Kentucky Kingdom (and got coupons, too, score!),
    3. then sat in the car clipping coupons.
  5. The next meeting was at the Bakhaus building. I waited in the car for Flar, and sorted out all my coupons.
  6. Next, we ate lunch together at Tony Roma's.
  7. After lunch, I dropped Flar off at a meeting with a contractor.
  8. During that meeting,
    1. I headed over to St Joe East for a mammogram,
    2. got my allergy shot across the street
    3. picked up water, cheese, sugar wagers, ramen soup and a treat: R is for Ricochet at Sam's
    4. picked up some staples, some about-to-expire-coupon items and a couple of ingredients for King Ranch Chicken at Kroger.

While I was running around, I called Knight and chatted, set up driving logistics for this evening.

Little things:

  • Not talking to Wolf at lunchtime, like I used to get to do at least half the time.
  • Clipping coupons, and thinking about what to do with all the ones I won't be using. I used to send them to Sydb. Part of me wants to keep doing that. Part of me thinks I should stop thinking about her at all. But it doesn't work that way. I don't stop thinking about her.
  • Not even remotely worrying about recent blunt force trauma to my breasts for a mammogram. It's been ages since I've had any breast play.
  • Taking off my nipple jewelry for the mammogram: keeping the danglies aside, because what they represent is no longer true. Hey, I didn't cry. Go me.
  • Getting home with all this STUFF accomplished, and who would I usually tell all about it? I'd log in and chat with Sydb, I'd tell her about parking farther away than normal in parking lots, I'd tell her about finally being caught up on coupons, and actually snagging one that was up today, for Dr. Pepper. I'd be talking to her about seeing her tomorrow, because I'm going to be in Louisville, and there's a Stampin' Up order to pick up. I'd be schmoozing with my wife. Only, she's not my wife anymore, and it hurts, because I keep going over everything, trying to figure out what I could have done differently, said differently, act. If I had just maybe shut up completely, withdrawn, not answered email, just waited for God sakes, instead of always talking to quickly, writing too quickly, letting my hurt be the only thing that led me around.

So, the good stuff...

Knight woke me up yesterday and the day before. Wednesday he let me cry, and did I cry. Fell apart. Melted. Sick to my stomach, world is shattered, heartbreak crying. Yesterday he just cuddled against me and let me sleep and wake and sleep and wake and told me the most wonderful word picture of us together. He held me and held me and held me.

I spent great heaping gobs of time with Flar today. Driving him around from meeting to meeting. It was comforting to be with him. I asked if we could do that again some time; I liked it. :)

I got to work last night. Could have worked longer, but I got there late, and decided to leave a little after midnight to get enough sleep for getting up early today. Work is a salve to me. Not a lot of thinking, no puzzle like solving the Thursday crossword in the morning. With Knight's help. And the internet. It was Thursday, after all. I got lots done at work though, and it's soothing. Rote work. During the longest spell of image processing, I did a brisk walk around the ops room/hallway track. Felt good physically. I haven't been swimming since we got home. Gotta take advantage of the public pools while they're still open.

Flar brought home a big fat check today to deposit into the business account, and we're going over money stuff on Sunday together. The second closing finalized, and the money was wired to the contractor. Now all he has to do is get the contractor to do what he's already agreed, regarding salary, and then we'll finally have the "extra" money to start paying down debt.

I got stuff done today. Little, ordinary housewife stuff, but stuff, dammit!

Knight is working at a Rotary fund-raiser with Flar, and Ro is meeting me here to go over there together for dinner tonight. Then, Ro and Knight are coming over after for a visit, and Ro and I will get to play games.

We're going to Kentucky Kingdom tomorrow, and the forecast is for partly cloudy, high of 79. That would be so cool, if it's not hot at the park tomorrow!

Meds reflections...

I usually fight with my mom and/or my dad at least once on vacation.

I didn't this time. I was able to back off and shut up, instead of get aggressive or just say stuff that would be better thought and not spoken. Kick in the butt by being left, and scared? Or, does the medicine actually help me to think before I act? I dunno.

Feeling weepy goes with having my period, right? And, there's that whole six-year relationship in the tank thing. Hell, September makes the seventh anniversary of first kiss, which was well before any acknowledged relationship.

I was due to start my period on Wednesday. It's not here yet. Grump grump. The point of the progesterone was to prevent heavy bleeding, but this seems like overkill. Still holding judgement.

Caffeine still has more noticeable affect.

And damn, but I don't want to cry all over Ro, too!

writing helps... writing helps... writing helps...

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