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Minikin's Journal

Routine Ramblings of an Occasionally Interesting Housewife

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One of those moody posts
It's been a while since I posted about my feelings, but I was going to keep track of that here.

For the record, it's a full week until my period is supposed to start, although I go off hormones on Saturday.

It's been creeping up on me slowly. Sunday night when I got home, I just recognized that I was feeling extremely drained combined with very ag itated. The agitation was easily explained by the rainstorm I had to drive home through, and that would likely cause the exhaustion too. But it seems rather a coincidence that I should feel so exhausted after every single weekend.

I kind of pushed it a side, and went to sleep and then Kittybane was here to keep me company Monday, so I didn't really think about it more. But Monday night I decided to wait until I got back from watching Angel with Ro, to get together the stuff that I'd promised the new T horns & Roses Secretary. And while I was putting together that stuff, I realized that I also needed to do at least half the work still remaining for the Rookettes because I promised G. to bring her prize money on Tuesday -- she can't be there on Thursday.

By the time I got everything figured out, including how many 20s, 10s, 5s, 1s, and quarters to ask for when I withdrew the league prize money from the bank, and got everything together to bring the next day, it was after 3am.

The next day, I forgot to bring my Gift to Exchange to the bowling alley, so I missed out on that. But I had stuff for L. and G. It took forever to get started bowling, as there was the breakfast banquet and trophy awarding and stuff. Then, when I was still bowling, I made t he mistake of calling back Wolf, after a missed call. I should have waited until I wasn't bowling. He asked me how I was feeling, and that made me think about being drained, and I figured out that a lot of the problem was how much of my energy I've been spending on others, and not getting any evergy back, either by treating myself or being treated. And then we got into a discussion about something else that upset me. Much of which I wonder if it would have bothered me so much if I weren't so tired.

T hinking about doing for others and wanting time for me wasn't the right attitude to go into the rest of the day with. It made me feel tired, and grumpy about having things to do, many of which were for other people. Usually I like having responsibilitie s, and helping people. Yesterday I was just feeling selfish and resentful about it.

I went to the bank and stood in line to withdraw money in exact change. I bring a spreadsheet where I've worked out how much I'll need for each bill, so it's as easy as it can possibly be for the teller, but I always feel rather self-conscious about making extra work.

This time I stood in line behind four people. One man was there dropping off a deposit from some business that takes in a lot of coins and cash. His de posit too way longer to count that I knew my check would take to cash, so that made me feel somewhat better. But I was really sorry for the man behind him, who had to wait so long in line in order to find out that they wouldn't cash his check, because it was on a different bank, and because the only account he had at this bank was a business one. Or, anyway, that's all I overheard, but I'd hate to wait that long and not get what I waited for. She counted out my money twice. Once, following the instructions from my spreadsheet. Another time, adding up everything to verify the total. She even offered to count it a third time, handing it to, but I assured her that I'd counted along with each of her previous counts, and they'd both been visible to me. At least I could save her that trouble. She was very nice about it, and didn't seem at all annoyed. Fortunately, there was only one person behind me, and that person didn't have to wait as long as I'd feared.

Then I picked up the trophies, all five of them, and paid for them in cash. By now my front car was piled with my Rookettes stuff, my denim bag for water bottles, the bag I'd brought stuff in for L., that now held my doorprizes [aside: I always feel totally scummy when I measure up my work as a bowling secretary against the secretary of the Tuesday Tigers. The banquet is always elaborate, and she goes out and purchases lots of little goodies to give out gift bags and doorprizes during the bowling. I give out prize money envelopes and a reminde r about when we start next year. That's it.], and all of Knight's stuff, since he's in Brazil, and my purse, and the trophies, and my jacket, cause it was warming up. I was beginning to feel tired out from stuff: it's like some sort of measure of how much I've been doing.

I dropped off Timothy's glasses: the frames are under warranty, but we'll have to pay to replace his lenses, which are very chipped. Fortunately, +.5 with cyl. specifications aren't nearly as expensive as -4.75 etc. Especially for such small lenses.

I got my allergy shot, which didn't hurt. The difference may be taking the nasacort, or the clarinex working better than allegra, or the weather turning cold again. The nurse has said in the past that the shots hurt more when I'm get ting strong doses of allergens already from the environment. IE, when spring hits.

I dropped off Flar's laundry, then hit the grocery for a few things.

We don't really have extra in the budget for me to buy anything particularly spoiling for myself, so I decided to treat myself by doing something I'd been meaning to get around to. I've been using Things to Do in my pda for Grocery List. I changed the category to Kroger, and then entered labels for all of the aisles, in the order I hit them. Now when I make grocery lists, I can put the items in order for using at the store.

It didn't cheer me up nearly as much as I'd hoped.

I picked up the boys, who noticed right away that Flood wasn't in the car -- I hadn't been home since I left to take them to school. By the time we got home, I'd decided what I really needed was a nap. But before I did that, I brought in the milk, got Tigger to walk Flood and Critter to take care of the Scotties, and then made the mistake of sitting down to read email.

I wa s not rested or settled and happy enough to read reply email scattered with frustrating misunderstandings of what I'd been typing.

I lay down for a nap after instructing Tigger on how to spend his time; doing math boxes, the written part of his reading h omework, and then he had volunteered to make dinner. I called Wolf and asked him to wake me in an hour. He didn't keep me on the phone, but I was tired and didn't even notice.

But my nap didn't help. One: Tigger interrupted me with the message that d inner was ready. I said I needed more sleep, to tell his brother, and that I'd come in later and eat. Then Flood ran in and woke me, than Critter carried a bowl of food in for me to eat. And all this time I thought it was later than it was, and disappo inted that Wolf hadn't called me, so when he did, I just broke down all blubbery and went to pieces.

Now, most everything I went to pieces over is stuff I just need to get back under my own control and cope with and stop thinking about. Like feeling lon ely and unsupported and overburdened and just really really sad. But Wolf thought I needed to write about it to Sydb, and now I feel like I've started an argument over stuff that I should have just been able to handle without spewing it all over other pe ople.

I never did pull myself together last night; I sat and read email and held Flood and listened to Wolf, who kept calling me and then going, like some kind of tumbleweed blowing in the wind, and then instead of telling me that he wouldn't call back w hen Sydb got home, he called me back when I ought to have been going to bed, and when I called back when I was done putting Flood down and wanted to talk, all I could do was complain, and I could hear this seething fury in Wolf's voice, and I just asked t o hang up and then I screamed and cried and none of this is over anything but being overtired, like they say about toddlers and I just can't seem to get over it.

So this morning I got up feeling drained and tired and subdued and mostly hopeless. Which is totally not the right state to be able to handle:
  • a dead battery in my car
  • a nearly flat tire in Flar's car
  • the AC guy telling me we have sewage under the house (not in the pipes)
  • the AAA guy telling me about a limit of four service calls a year (which I don't recall anyone ever pointing out to me), and that since I had problems with two cars it counted as two service calls
  • my car making a noise that could have been the tire, or the wheel, or something in the engine that I can't identify, that went away, and then came back, when I drove to Toys R Us to charge up the battery
  • my internet connection going down all morning
  • not having Flar or Knight here to ask about what to do about any of this

And all of this on top of feeling discouraged about how much cleaning there is to catch up on in the house, and just wanting to crawl into a hole and pull it over me and never come back out.

I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm weepy. And I'm just al ienating anyone around me who usually cares.

I bought another baby gate, so we can block off both doors to the dining room and keep the dogs from using it as their private toilet area.

I got the car washed cause the cat threw up in it Monday.

The car w ash threw away the 2-liter bottle that Tigger forgot to take to school two days in a row, so now I get to buy another one.

I put the registration sticker on the back of my car that's been in the glovebox since December.

I got down on the floor of the ga rage to look underneath the door and fix the piece of rubber that's been hanging out for months.

I got garage dirt (dead leaves, dirt) in my hair.

I forgot the part of the power door restore directions where you're supposed to close the door before remo ving the fuse and waiting and replacing it, so I thought the door didn't work, but reread the directions, closed the door, pulled the fuse in and out, and it's working.

And I came in to clean the dining room so that it can stay clean now that we have baby gates downstairs, and noticed that my internet connection was back up, so I decided to read email and live journal, and then I thought about trying to keep track of my emotional stuff and decided to just pour it all out and see it would help.

I'm just so tired..

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Sounds like you could use a *hug* or two or ten.

If it helps any, I have an empty 2-liter you're welcome to have.

And we still have those Circus Peanuts, if that would help you cheer up.

If you want to come over for a while and watch Enterprise with me and Ravyn & Leo, that starts at 8:00, and Wolf Lake is at 9:00 if you're more interested in that and/or want to come over later.

Alternately, I have no real plans for Thursday night anymore if you want to hang out either here or there. Just let me know.

I could say that everything will work out in the end. But I know enough to know that it is impossible to see that when one is in this state, so such a statement would be fruitless.

I could make a big deal about saying how much I understand what you're going through. But that brings little to no comfort.

I could offer support without actually offering help. But that only leads to more frustration and feelings of abandonment.

I know we have not always seen eye to eye. But helping people who are hurting is the mission of those who wear the name of Christ. If you think that talking about something would help, I offer my ear, if I am home. If I can do something to help, I offer my hands.

For what it is worth, I do understand completely how you feel. I feel this way at least once or twice a week. Sometimes it does help to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Maybe it will also help to remember that even Jesus was overwhelmed by responsibility from time to time. There was even a time when he was so depressed he wanted to die. And if Jesus felt that way, maybe it's not so wrong for the rest of us to feel that way, too.

*very large hugs* Much comfort to you love. I've had days not unlike that myself

Happy Raccoon Day, hon.

Part of me wishes that you could be OK with merely doing your best, and accepting that if God wanted you to be able to get more done, he'd give you the ability.

On the other hand, I've got a bit too much of that, and that's why you felt I was a poor guest.

Somewhere between us there may be a saner, happier median. Or mode. Or whatever.

Wishing you well ...

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