June 9th, 2007

bundled up, walkabout, snow

Where is everybody?

Not to diss people who are actually posting, but it seems light, lately. On the other hand, I haven't taken much time to write, either.

Disturbing dreams. Okay, not so much disturbing, as weird, and unusually not wanted. As in, stirring stuff I don't care to stir that might at other times be quite enjoyable tyvm.

Okay, so I'm going through an intentional period of non-sexuality. It's part of insulating myself while examining sexual history in the No Stones class. Now that we're actually working the workbook, I am of course being attacked no, plagued well, anyway, visited, by erotic dreams. They've been echoing my attitudes in an evolving way - - the one the other night was me from totally unconfused poly days; the one last night more from now, but with totally ingenous ideas about boundaries. The weird part about last night's dream was that I spent the dream with a good friend who has never been a lust object for me in waking hours. And here I was in the dream, being non-sexual in only the most literal of ways, and casting him in the role of a happily sexual archetypal dreamboat. With, to be frank, a most envious set of erm, anatomical endowments. :) The dream did include a heavy sense that I was depriving myself of
a very good time.

Frustrated myself in dreamland, but at least there was frosting. Cake frosting, no euphemism. Except in the most interpretive dream sort of sense, I suppose. When the dream is busily being explicit, it seems silly not to call a cake a cake, after all.

But as for symbols... Shallow, warm pool. Cake and frosting. Books, shelved, but in a new, unfamiliar layout. Okay. I suppose there was some symbology going on there.

Awake now. Dealing with the real, not the symbolic. Yay me.
Thinking

Feeling posty

Disjointed bits from conversations.

A question: So are you looking at removing bondage and bisexuality from your regular sexuality/expression or just trying to modify them a bit to fit in a healthier framework ?

Thinking: For the now, the former. I'm not good at not following roads to the extreme. Kind of like an alcoholic having to give up alcohol, I need to give up BDSM. I found out last summer that God has actually taken away what I called Audrey II, that escalating need that starts from any sexuality. However, I'm also very aware of the way awakening sexual desire skews my everyday vision, distracts me, messes with my priorities. I'm liking this comfortable place of being able to love without desire - a more truly self-less love that allows for healthier expressions and interactions. Desire turns into a self-perception of need turns into a craving turns into all-about-me-not-you. It's a path that's led me to shameful self-centerness that I've lashed people with. I've driven away people in the past, and I hurt for them.

Comment: Plus some people manipulated those feelings in you and parked you on the dent and ding rack ...

They didn't put me there, I did.


Rambly thoughts about chosing non-sexuality for now:

I have a lot of confusion right now over my past and my present and lots of wounds to heal. The biggest casualty is my relationship with Flar; we remain married, but it is not what I idealize as marriage, I mean, we don't have sex at all anymore, and it's been years since Flar has been able to say that he loves me. Poly is on the face a good thing, with more loving, but I can't honestly say that my marriage with Flar is the stronger for it. I determined last April that I would stop trying to figure it all out for myself, stop leading my own life and really turn it all over to God, to truly follow him. There's a lot of thoughtful work out there about poly lining up with, not opposing a Christian walk, but I need to get deep and hear what God has for me. And I KNOW that he didn't want for me to be in the kind of relationship I had with Camel, one that ended up being first priority in my life, before any thought of God, much less others or even myself. I KNOW that God doesn't want me to be so dependent on sex itself that I was accurately protraying that part of me as Audrey II ever more hungry for more, and devouring others for the fix.

No Stones is helping me look at my past and see not merely the actions, but the consequences. Learn about the difference between sex and love, which have been too wrapped together in my mind. Last week, the sermon What God says about Gun Control was about sex. About how God DESIGNED it to be an experience that bonds and intertwines. So it's no surprise that love and sex are all mixed up together.

​And yet I have a pretty hefty experience of separating the two and diluting the purpose of sex.
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