August 30th, 2004

bundled up, walkabout, snow

Merry :: spirituality; the doodle bug and the tickle bee

This is the first in a series. An attempt at linear order, so much as is possible for me.

This series is about names and animals, intertwined, and me. Well, mostly about me.

And all of it, about spirituality.

How do you touch God? Do you worship, how do you experience it? No matter your words over mine, for your belief system, this is a question about the essence of spirituality.

I touch God through His gifts of beauty and joy through His greatest gift, love. I feel His presence in me, call this touching God. Over the past few years, I'd lost my way. Found it harder and harder to feel Him. Misunderstood much about what I was missing and looking for.

I feel His presence when I wake, and thank Him for my life and loves. I feel His presence in the rain and the sunshine, in flowers. In the touch of the hairdresser's fingers, playing with my hair as she washed and dried it for me. In the electric zing of the touch of my lovers. Their breath on my skin, or the vibrations of their voice in my ear.

I begin, only in very small part, to understand Glory.

My name means bee. From the earliest that I could remember, my daddy called me Doodle Bug. And my favorite game was the tickle bee. This post is about Merry.

Merry is my inner child. Perhaps more indulged than the typical one. I give to her beauty and creation and joy and silliness. I give to her dry shoulders and strong arms encircling me. I give to her the untouched, pure giggly laughter of living enjoyment of life. Merry dances with the rainbows and sees beauty in kitchen gadgets and office supplies and is ever so much the visionary of what treasures can be made from others' trash.

Merry's heart breaks when she is sad. Disappointment is earth-shattering. Rejection is death. Anger is terrifying. Merry is around 6.

I can still remember my mother chastising me for "talking like a baby" when I was well beyond the years where that voice was appropriate. That baby voice is the voice of Merry, and one that I still use on occasion.

For a brief time, Merry was given adventures and playtime beyond her simple realm. She was invited to participate in grown up games, using my grown-up body. She learned a kind of physical love far different from the childish tickling games appropriate to her youth. For a very brief time, she had a new daddy. One who loved me, and therefore her, very much. One who held her, made her feel tingly and special. One who comforted her when she was confused or afraid.

But Merry is not one for just anyone to understand or accept. She was hurt dreadfully to know that anything she had done in such a safe place could have been so wrong, so unwelcome. She was sent away, her daddy was taken away, and she once again had only me to hold her, to keep her safe. And her pushy big sister to keep her from peeking out when she should be sleeping.

Merry is safe now. She is accepted and understood by more than just me. She is happy again.

Last night I dreamed. Merry thought it was safe to be out, but in the dream it wasn't, and she was frightened and afraid. This afternoon, she was comforted and soothed and still accepted.

Merry is only one of the many reasons why I may often have trouble speaking. Her voice is distinctive and only heard where she is welcome and known and accepted.
  • Current Music
    Scene and Grandfathers Dance
bundled up, walkabout, snow

very quick update

I'm no longer in excruciating pain.

Okay, so I didn't let it get excruciating. I called for an appointment when it was insanely ticklish. Last night I had difficulty chewing. This morning I didn't eat until after I saw the doctor.

He did the blood sugar today so I don't have to go back tomorrow.

The numbers:

Weight, in knit pants-outfit and sandals: 205.5
BP: 102/70
Blood Sugar: 95

He's happy with the numbers. Predicts I'll be able to go off the water pills (as he calls the diuretic), if I continue losing weight and exercising.

He prescribed cortizone drops for my ear, which will reduce the swelling and allow drainage. He prescribed Cipro to prevent an inner ear infection, since I have a flap in my tympanic membrane. I'm to call my ear doctor if I don't feel substantially improved by tomorrow. I'm to use the damn vinegar and water when my ear Feels Fine.

Didn't go water-walking today. Napped with Knight, and got him to drop me. Got him to bite me, but we're still working on leaving welts. Doesn't hurt yet. But it leaves a pretty mark. And the sucking feeling good.

Need to write about Berry. I'm not her project; new friends are golden.

Something has happened that has me very distracted.

The goody-goody-two shoes in me has me writing email to verify that it wasn't a mistake. The opportunist in me read 20 entries, clicked on a bunch of them for comments, clicked through to I think it was 55 entries ago to catch up, then minimized the whole tabset for continued reading after the goody-goody-two shoes lets her.

And now I'm off to pay bills, and then work tonight.

NIce to know the tabset will still be around tomorrow morning before bowling.
  • Current Music
    Scene: The Magic Castle
bundled up, walkabout, snow

Still confused; not distracted; more caught up

She meant to. So I read the rest. Commented on some, still have a tabset minimized for more comments.

No explanation as to why.

Details dropped me at work, now I'm going to bed to watch TV with Flar and get dropped before lights out.

I can tell when then steroids are wearing off.

Wants my drugsies.

The only problem with the cortizone is that when the swelling goes down, drainage escapes back down my throat and into my sinuses. I had a runny nose at work; my throat has stopped aching by now. Gotta take a box of kleenex to bed in case of the same result.

  • Current Mood
    happy happy