August 13th, 2004

bundled up, walkabout, snow

We now do Dance of Joy; Biscuit

<th colspan="3">Note: Your package is in the UPS system and has a rescheduled delivery date of Aug 16, 2004. </th>
Package Progress:
Date/Time Location Activity
Aug 13, 2004/12:42 A.M. NASHVILLE, TN, US ARRIVAL SCAN
Remainder elided to prevent ennui in those not eagerly awaiting my replacement PDA.

Just in time to enter all the important school appointments in my calendar after I sync the new PDA.
bundled up, walkabout, snow


I haven't written an update here for a few days, so, working backwards...

Today we finished with school supply runs.

I have successfully contented my office supply jones by buying supplies for the boys in three separate expeditions. It actually helps me to space it out a bit, rather than overload. :) This years, we made our purchases at Office Max, courtesy of four $10 off purchases over $20. It never hurts to get a $40 break on expenses.

Before we hit Office Max, we picked up new dog food, after getting Critter's eyes examined, and new glasses ordered. Turns out that the discount card that I purchased through one of my credit card companies is in a network in which our eye doctor participates, so we got a nice price break on the glasses.

In a smallish milestone, Critter chose not to have my accompany him to the exam area for his eye exam. For a few years now, I've been giving him the option for me to wait in the waiting room, or accompany him. Today is the first time he opted for me to wait. So Knight and I ducked out entirely. ;) We walked down to the post office to mail off coupons and comix, then browsed in the hardware store. We had just gotten back to the waiting room, when Critter called me to ask me to help him select new glasses. He picked the frames, I handled the checkbook.

I had a lot of trouble crawling out of bed this morning. It's the progesterone, in combination with crawling into bed at 3am. On the brighter side of bed, it's nice to both want to cuddle with Flar and know that he welcomes it and returns the cuddling. It had been a long time since he's held me in our sleep. 'salmost as good as sex. Anyway, going to up my caffeine intake on the 10 days a month I take progesterone and more fierce with myself about going to bed right after work.

I worked until 1am two nights in a row, which would look better on my paycheck next week, if I'd gotten to work by 5:30 like I'm supposed to... Last night I worked with Details for most of the night. I got 20 minutes of walking in, and only took a 30 minute meal break, since I didn't get there until 7:30. The 20 minutes is during image processing, and I monitor the screen as I pass by, so it's on the clock. The night before, I didn't get any walking in, as I was working a large queue, and never got it past indexing. I was also working alone, so I listened to music all the time I wasn't on the phone. My dinner break was long, because I spent the time clipping coupons and assembling bills to mail.

Yesterday, we had several stops on an extended errand run, and a school orientation for Critter in the evening, before I got to dash off for work.
  1. We dropped off a mortgage payment and deposit at the bank,
  2. Shopped for Tigger's remaining school supplies at Office Max,
  3. Bought Tigger a new trashcan for his room, at Bed, Bath and Beyond,
  4. Ordered Tigger's requirement reading book, and picked out another one, at Joesph-Beth,
  5. Went back in for Tigger to buy a raffle ticket for one of the dog houses being displayed in the Lexington Green rotunda,
  6. Ate lunch at Heavenly Ham,
  7. Bought new sneakers for Critter at Shoe Carnival,
  8. and did some refill grocery shopping.

The school orientation was rather disorganized, as the computers had suffered a massive crash during the summer, and they'd only had them up for a week. But we managed to leave the evening with Critter's schedule, a school supply list, a locker assignment, and book rental tickets. Flar and Critter got to stay for the orientaton and to meet his teachers, but I had to dash off to work, after doing my duties with the checkbook.

Tuesday, Knight and Ro came over for dinner and a movie. We watched Signs together, holding hands on the couch. Smile. The day started with the organization meeting for the Tuesday Tigers. Knight was there (of course), and Spydie, Grace, and a couple of other ladies from the now-dissolved Rookettes. Spydie and I bowled a couple of games after the meeting. I rolled a 128 and a stellar 189!! Knight went home for a short nap while we were still bowling, and I dropped by Sam's and the allergist on the way home.

When I haven't been out running errands, or working, I've been fixing food. The food tastes great, and I've already learned a bunch of yummy, healthy no-carb snacks, and especially a few particularly yummy things to do to ricotta cheese, to turn them into sweet, thick, pudding-goodness. However, I've been spending a lot of time cooking. And when I haven't been fixing food, Flar's taken over a lot of it. Great food, but little time for other chores. I got a great start on laundry on Monday, but I've still plenty to do. I haven't gotten to work before 7 one night this week. I found out that I need to start working out reasonable eating-out solutions, on days when I want to run any errands.

The result was whiny-kin, when we got home from errands today. Flar made a yummy orange roughy that I'd be willing to eat once a week, honest. And last night at work, I ate leftover eggplant-onion-peppers, that I had declared I'd be tossing, rather than keep as leftovers (when I put them in the oven, that is).

I need to figure out some time-saving survival techniques; I need to get to sleep earlier so that I can wake up and actually get out of bed earlier in the mornings; I want time to swim once a day, and I have made little headway in getting the house back under control.

Emotionally, I've felt optimistic and "normal" and slightly time-rushed and exhilarated, and acutely aware of how very little I am really over Him, at all.

Today, the kid who took out order at Chik-Fil-A (note to self, their chicken salad has relish, ew) was named Danny Wolf. Sigh.

Wednesday, much worse. I thought of something I'd like returned, sent email, and received a phone message instead of merely an email reply. I returned the call from the "missed call" menu before listening to messages. A habit -- that's the order in which the phone presents the information and options. We clarified a question raised by the email, no problem.

The problem came in listening to the voice-mail, and totally mis-hearing the greeting. No, I had no illusions that he opened with "Hello, Love." But I heard what he later told me was "Hello, Deb" as "Hello, luv." You know, the casual britisher thing. He has a lot of casual britisher things built into him that he does without even noticing. But, well, it just damn hit me too hard. It shouldn't hurt, okay, it shouldn't hurt that much. But it did.

And that wasn't the stupid part. I erased the message. Should have dismissed it from my mind.


It preyed on my mind. The mis-heard phrase, the loss of its other meaning, all the loss. So I called his office. Thought that an after hours voice message would be the safest. Just a quick, controlled, "please don't call me luv." Only, it wasn't quick, it wasn't controlled, and voice mail doesn't have a delete button.

So, actually doing really great, except for being a total fuck-up at a courtesy and friendly parting. The tears were part of why he ended it. I've no place imposing them on him any longer.

Even though, dammit, he's the only cause for them, anymore.

Life is GREAT!

Life is fantastic!

My husbands both talk as if I've been away and finally returned to them. I feel wanted and alive. I feel safe in being child-like. I feel grown-up and competent. I feel patient and calm and optimistic and capable.

Wednesday's phone call, and Thursday's email - requesting that I refrain from using office resources to contact him in the future, so calm, so reasonable, so non-attacking...

I don't think I'll ever fully understand why.

But I know that somehow, with everything that happened, I can't inter-relate with him sanely, like I seem to be able to do with those that I love. Learning to let go is a very slow process for me, however. And not one that I really accept in my heart, even if now even I am seeing the rationale of it.

Concentrating on joy, then. On the future.

Hanging out with Critter - watching Star Gate, reading LJ, writing. Tweaked my journal a tad. Changed my desktop background again. Gonna drag Flar to bed when Star Gate's over, and get some sleep at night, where it belongs. I've got some ideas about how to get sleepy.

Possible activities for the weekend include:
  • A trip to the Eye of the Needle, to buy a new belt kit -- Critter has outgrown his after two re-sizings, and likes the idea of me making him a new one.
  • A long walk down the road with Critter and the dogs.
  • A trip to the drive-in for The Princess Diaries 2 and The Village
  • Flar's got a morning meeting that he's going to tomorrow
  • Going to Troy with Ro?
  • Going to De-Lovely with Spydie?
  • Brain-storming with Flar about the next week of Phase 1 of the diet

And now to finish up watching Star Gate: Atlantis and snuggle into bed with Flar
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    happy happy