August 8th, 2004

bundled up, walkabout, snow

Talking helps, too

Spent the afternoon with Knight yesterday.

He accompanied us on the school supply shopping venture. Critter had drawn me into the last two hours of DS9, so we left a bit later than originally expected. It was good to have Knight to protect me from the lure of office supplies. :)

We bought dress shoes and new sneakers for Tigger, and about half his school supplies (I'm trying to maximize dollars off coupons). Then we dropped Tigger at the house, and spent the rest of the day at Knight's.

First we watched the last two episodes of Angel. A day for endings. Compare and contrast in an essay of 4 pages or less, the presentation of heroes in two completely different universes....

Shortly after Ro got home from work, she fixed us a yummy dinner of Chicken Cordon Bleu (soon, I'll be a good girl and dump the breading, but I'm not officially ON the diet, yet) and two kinds of veggies. We watch some Monk together.

And then Knight dragged me off to look at his etchings. Which last night appeared to be a euphemism for a really long deep and important conversation wherein I talked out a lot of the stuff I thought I needed to save for writing out. I think I will now make a goal of writing about Daisy and Merry and Debbie and Kat and kitten in some form of private post of me. But it is good to know that as I can except them as all bits and parts of me, so can Knight.

Ro is this angel creature, who always makes me feel wanted and welcome, who has mastered what I am still desperately trying to learn myself, that calmness of spirit and acceptance of joy and ability to share that overwhelms at times. It was rather late when she knocked on the door, to put on her pjs. She gave us so much time to reconnect; this was a much appreciated gift.

I thought I'd be talking with Flar about many of the same things when I got home. I thought it would go along the lines of him asking why I was there so long, and I'd talk to him about it all. But, when I got home, so late, Flar was just surfing between the travel channel and a movie, waiting up for me. He was happy to cuddle on the couch a bit and snuggle, and didn't have questions, so I didn't just start up talking about deep, serious stuff.

Instead, we went to bed and had a nice long sleep. I woke up early enough, this morning, to get up and be all productive. Instead, I came back to sleep and snuggled up and slept some more. We were wonderfully sleepy heads this morning, and even played around a bit, which is cool, since that's still quite tentative between us. It didn't feel awkward, though, just nice. :)

After we finally climbed out of bed, I made omelets for breakfast, and worked on cleaning the kitchen. I got the dishes washed and the counters cleaned. Then I worked some on the kitchen table, mostly on Flar's side of the table. Critter and Tigger cleaned up the playroom around the game table for me.

In the afternoon, Berry came over with her kids, and stayed until after 11pm. We played Life and Monopoly (and Tigger and her younger son played Gamecube), and we shared a dinner of grilled chicken and stir-fried veggies and cheesy rice and conversation.

Ooh, more talking.

I met Berry through TLS Chess Club. She has really reached out to me, very clear about wanting to be friends, and being a friend to me. She was supportive when I was stressing about the administration and chess. She took over my responsibilities in it, when I couldn't be there at the end of the year. She even spearheaded a group gift for me from the rest of the parents, as she was one of the only parents in chess club who knew I wouldn't be coming back.

And, Berry invited me to go to her church with her. At a time when I was needing just that - to reconnect with my spirituality, to participate in worship again.

And, she has stayed in touch, after the school year was over. Knowing people via kids-who-are-students-together often means only socializing during the school year. Or, it has been that way for me. She sent me a note while I was in Texas, asking how I was doing, and suggesting that we get the kids together for a games night. This was in the middle of the worst of breaking up with Wolf, and starting up the new medicine and feeling so uncertain about everything.

I responded with a little about our upcoming schedule, to suggest when we could get together. And I also mentioned starting on the SSRI, asked about going to church together again soon, and asked about getting together for "tea and sympathy" if she wanted to know more about what was going on in my life.

She called me this Tuesday. She wanted help from Critter with Mac stuff, and to arrange games night. Critter ended up spending all day Wednesday helping Berry get some video editing done on the Mac, and she brought them over today for games.

When they got here, I was starting this entry. I told her I was writing in a journal that is posted to share with friends, and she asked me to send her the URL. In my email, I wrote "More than you ever may have thought you wanted to know about me."

While we were in the kitchen fixing dinner, we talked. It started out talking a little bit about the medicine, and how it's helping. Then she asked me if I had been going through a lot of stress this year. And I told her yes, from many directions. From school, from money problems, and from relationships. And I told her that I had more than one relationship.

She asked questions, she was very accepting and not judgemental. It was an opportunity to be real friends, not the superficial, socialize because we're in one common activity together, kind of friends. I guess I had decided back when I wrote the email, that this was a women I want to really be friends with, not hide so much of myself from.

And, she stayed after dinner for the second round of games, which lasted much longer than we expected, and well, she didn't run away. :)

And, I feel really really good.

Flar says I haven't yelled at him once since I've started the Lexapro. I did snap at him by the very end of the car trip -- but he told me tonight, when I pointed that out, that I had a reason to snap. (I was tired, and he was back-seat driving.) Uh, wow. And for the record, I apologized about it pretty quickly.

I'm feeling so much more optimistic as a general attitude. Money stress seems to be really finally going away; it's so much easier to see the end of that tunnel. I still think of Wolf all the time, but I appear to be at least accepting that it's real. And, it's like I've come back from being away, as far as Flar and Knight are concerned. Changing schools is another reality to accept, but I'm grateful for the silver lining of having no commitments ready-built at the new school. I can be cautious about commiting my time - be the helper instead of the organizer. I feel more optimistic about time stress and getting the house back under control. I can see the end of the tunnel on that, too, although to look at the house right now, that may puzzle others. ;)

Anyway, a really, really good two days, and expectations for a good Sunday.

Happy'kin.
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    optimistic optimistic
bundled up, walkabout, snow

nice day

I appear to already be losing weight, just cutting way back on carbs and sugars in advance of starting the diet. Woot!

Church service was worship and message; a message which seemed very relevant to me. God appears to be putting me where I need to be. I am blessed to have found Berry and this church. I even met four people today. Time will tell if I remember names and faces.

After church, I came home and fixed asparagus omelets for Flar and me, and a ham and cheese omelet for Critter. Flar added a stop at Kroger to his errands yesterday, to pick up two pounds of asparagus for me. And they had the teeny skinny stalks that I love, that are so tender. I used a half-pound between the omelets, and steamed to eat with the omelets. And decided that wasn't really even for two people, when they're this yummy.

After lunch, Flar took a short nap while I caught up on email and LJ and chatted a bit with Ro. Then I dragged him to the club to sign me up and swim. Only, the pool was closed for maintenance and the salesman needed to verify the cost with someone who wasn't there. He'd have been happy to give me a temporary card -- he just didn't want to charge up the wrong amount today. Since I only want to swim, I declined the card. We're going back sometime this week to sign paperwork.

After that, Flar and I grocery shopped together. I wanted him along to help pick out the meat, and help decide about all the weird vegetables. I peppered the produce guy with questions about where things are, that I don't usually buy. Like pine nuts.

When we got home, the boys carried in the groceries while I put it all away. There is now produce in three drawers and on three shelves in the fridge. Twill be interesting finding anything.

While I don't ordinarily believe in having the "last meal" thing before a diet, I got to thinking about it. We had a bbq-marinated pork tenderloin sitting in the fridge that we wouldn't be using for the diet this week. And honestly, the yummiest way to eat that was going to be cooked, then drenched in bbq sauce for sandwiches. Matt fixed dinner for us, including baked beans as a side dish. Not very Phase 1, but passably Phase 2 South Beach, with fiber in the beans.

During dinner, we watched the first two hours of Babylon 5. Then I washed dishes to Bound. Flar got the boys to help him clear of the jacuzzi, and he's soaking. The pH is a little high, though, which makes the air harder to breathe, so I bowed out tonight.

I just took spinach quiches out of the oven for breakfast tomorrow -- and snackies during the week; the recipe serves six.

Gonna catch up on LJ then head to bed.