June 28th, 2004

bundled up, walkabout, snow



So, we're supposed to be paying attention to my mood, watching for any dangerous dips, signs of improvement.


It's been very seldom that I've truly been capable of identifying a mood that didn't, at least to me, appear to be justified by circumstance. Thus, the importance of Flar's role as outside observer, why he went to the doctor with me in the first place, etc.

Let's see, my husband doesn't like (is afraid of) being around me, and says we need to work on changing that before we can get to big things like sex.

Money is still scary, and still the hope of it getting better is dangling Just Out of Reach.

I'm not getting email from Wolf, who barely (is afraid to?) calls me now, and you'll note I don't refer to as husband, because hey, we Don't Know Where We Stand at this point. Collapse )

And Knight, who I need desperately to talk to, but can't seem to even find the words, is working 12 hours shifts and spreading himself thin to even find the time he has been, to spend with me, all nervous and not knowing how to act anymore (me, not him, he's just his reassuring sweet self).

I've been worried about money for so long, had the prospect of the worry going away dangled before me so many times and snatched away, and if I hear one more person say something about how "we've all got money problems" I'm going to just scream!

I'm leaving on Friday for a trip that will reach 1100 miles by the time I get to San Antonio, and right now I have one working gas card, and no room on any of the credit cards. I've got my paycheck and travel money from T's mom, and there *might* be more money coming in before I leave town.

Uh, no, the meds aren't kicking in yet. Unless they're making me more anxious. We're supposed to be watching out for that except HEY, Flar's shipped out, and Wolf is barely speaking to me. Knight is here, but he's working 12 hours days, and can only stretch himself so thin. So who's supposed to notice if I snap or something?

Because, hey, you don't think I understand what everyone has been saying about "we don't ever know what will set you off" ? *I* don't ever know, I feel fine, and then I get upset - either unhappy or angry about something that has happened, and I react inappropriately, and there's a scene, and then I find myself crying or screaming and everything seems so damned important, but only to me.

So right now, I just feel nervous. Last Thursday, it was more like ants-under-the-skin, taken too many stimulants nervous, and I was quick-stepping at work to shake off the speed from a numbers job. Now I just feel nervous. Nervous that I don't know how to act, don't know what I'm supposed to share or not share with others, used to being able to lean on so many people for support, and now I find my support pulling away, telling me, you need help, but don't lean on me.

The pills aren't supposed to make me ignore reality, and it feels like everything is falling down around me.

Oh, I didn't even mention. Cause, it's still obviously all about me.

My greatgrandmother is dying. She made it to her 108th birthday, but we don't know if she'll make it to when we arrive. The absolute earliest we could get there would be the 4th, and we're currently planning to stay two nights with T. Mom tells me not to hurry, she says Granny is just sleeping, that she's not responding to anyone. I should be happy for her, she's been just plain tired of living and ready for the next life for years and years now.

Maybe the meds are working. I didn't curl up into a ball and hide when Quicken said our balance was -4000 or whatever it was. I waited until after midnight when Flar could get freed up from working and from talking to Bel, to give me deposit information that I didn't have. And to tell me about anticipated deposits.

I'm down to 205. I usually gain weight when I'm stressed. I'm hoping it'll be a beneficial side-effect: reduced appetite.

I haven't priced the meds yet. I'm afraid to. We don't have brand-name prescription coverage. I have to fill the scrip this week, though. I sent the box with Flar to see if they sell it OTC in Brazil. He gets his Allegra there, occasionally.

So what if I don't need meds? What if I'm just a horrible brat, and anyone who gets close enough to find out eventually leaves me? What then?
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    anxious anxious