June 9th, 2003

bundled up, walkabout, snow

Morning after a full weekend

Okay, so the highlights, before I try to write the thoughtful stuff.

Friday, I felt rushed, but I got the errands done with (barely) enough time to shower and wash three sinksful of dishes. Didn't have time to shave my legs. More on that in a Thoughtful Post, on Guidance, rebellion and acceptance.

Work was fun. Braids brought chicken salad to share, and I brought canteloupe. Either all the canteloupe at Sam's were perfect, or Critter has a knack. I carefully smelled it, so I *might* remember what a perfectly ripe one smells like, when next I have to select one. I brought candy to fill the group jar, and the biggest, cheapest bag at Sam's was the "children's playtime" selection. I spent the first hour of work sucking on a Tootsie Pop (off and on: I'd lay it on the wrapper occasionally).

It turns out that Braids used to be in the army; Details has a handgun, but is planning to purchase another before taking the gun safety course associated with getting a Concealed Carry Permit; and Zee has a handgun. I find myself suprised to be the wimp of the group, having merely only fired others' handguns and other weapons.

I bought some nail polish, because I haven't painted my nails in so long that I don't trust any of the bottles not to be gloppy. I was apparently possessed by a 9 year old when I was making the selection. A glitter polish that looked pink as cotton candy, under the flourescent lights at work. Under incandescent light, it was more palatable, but I'll be painting my nails again before next weekend. And testing old bottles for gloppiness.

I drove to Louisville after work, and Wolf was kind enough to talk to me through most of the drive. That, and the steady rain, kept me from any work about getting sleepy on the drive. I got there safely, hauled in all my myriad bags, and forgot to email Flar that I'd arrived safely, until I was undressing and checking my pockets. My phone reminded me that I had email to send.

Friday night began a weekend of Guidance. See later Thoughtful Post.

Had some trouble settling my brain to sleep. Could be convinced that I was up all night, with whisperings in my ear.

Saturday morning, I fixed breakfast for all of us, and then after Roo was fed, Sydb left to spend the morning with Beclectic. Wolf and I played with Roo until her naptime, and then had some quality alone time.

Beclectic stayed around for lunch when she brought Sydb home. That was nice; I hadn't gotten to talk to her for a while.

After lunch, it was really time to start getting ready to leave for graduation. This is when we made the Big Discovery that, in all likelihood, I was wearing Wolf's mother's dress. I'd bought it at a thrift shop in Louisville; a charity to which she donates; she used to have a dress exactly like it. Wolf doesn't know if she still has it, so we don't have a definite confirmation, but that still felt weird.

Getting out of the house with two women and a baby is not a quick process. I know Wolf could be anywhere in 5 minutes, maybe 10 from a naked start. When we finally got piled into the car, Sydb remembered Roo's dinner, since we were planning to go over to Hippchicx' house after the ceremonies. We decided it would be better to make the trip back home in between, than to be late to the graduation, and were on our way.

High School Graduations tend to have a sameness about them. This was a tad strange, looking in the assembly of Seniors, picking out our husband's new girlfriend.... Sydb spotted her first. We were sitting in the upper seats of an arena-style gymnasium, and it was horribly hot. Add a babe-in-arms to the mixture, and you get the idea. Knowing that we had to drive home anyway, we made the decision to leave after we saw Hippychicx walk. I only occurs to me now, that we could have also watched Belle's daughter walk.

We took enough time at home for Roo to nurse, for Sydb to change clothes, and for all of us to have a snack of PB&J. I had some fun with sandwich art. Perhaps Sydb will post the pictures we took of round two.

Then we headed to Hippychicx' house. Where all the nervousness descended. Yes, there are times when not only do I not know what to say, I don't even know how to start talking. I gave Hippychicx the gift I'd been clutching all day like some talisman. She showed us all her art. Then J asked me to go for a walk with her.

This requires a Thoughtful Post all to itself.

But, since that takes time, and I'm not sure how long all of the writing will take, there is a summary.

Hippychicx and I will be special friends, of a confused relationship label. Linked at the first by our different relationships with Wolf, time will be taken to let genuine friendship grow and evolve, rather than the mad fast pace that had peeked out at us before. Not sexual. Not right now. There's a full future of possibilities.

And, oh yeah, I didn't do this in some grown-up, calm, peaceful way. I cried. On J, on Hippychicx, and mostly on Wolf and Sydb. Cried for the what might have been, that I've given up for the what may be.

We got home late and tired on Saturday night, and Sydb was my angel who stayed up with me until I was ready to give up and sleep.

Sunday, we had a nice lazy day, staying at home. We'd never refreshed breakfast supplies the day before, so I went and shopped, then fixed a yummy breakfast for all of us. Sybd and Wolf taught me how to turn burger crumbles into sausage crumbles: Fennel. We played with Roo. We talked. We played with food. We watched A Fish Called Wanda together (that is, together until Roo, then Sydb laid down to nap). We had family time.

And then I drove home to my other family. I picked up donuts in Louisville and picked up Critter from his sleepover, on my way home. I cut the chicken for Flar to cook up into a yummy teriyaki, served over rice, with carrots on the side. We watched Maid in Manhattan, which was a really nice romantic comedy. I caught up on live journal (before Sybd made several long posts), and went to bed early.

So, Thoughtful Posts to follow, about Guidance, rebellion and acceptance, and about Transformation and decisions.
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    thoughtful thoughtful
bundled up, walkabout, snow

Wanna go

I've no idea how far it is to Sandusky OH. I've heard about Cedar Point, like, forever. It's already made it's name in the legion of thrill parks, but now it's got

The Dragster.

420 feet high, reaching 120 mph within 4 seconds. It has speed, it has a drop, I wanna ride it.

No idea when that will happen.

But it will.
bundled up, walkabout, snow

progress

I've put the third load of laundry into the washer, put all the sorting piles into various sorting baskets, given Critter the basket of tee shirts that Flar wanted to share with him, had lunch, and read the Saturday and Sunday papers.

Partially packed my "out" bag, and figured out my errands for today. I figure if I go out at 2, I'll be back with more time for laundry before I have to hop in the shower for work.

Which means I have some time for writing Thoughtful Posts. Not necessarily for *finishing* them...
bundled up, walkabout, snow

Transformation Soup

It's the name of the book I bought for Hippychicx, and the subtitle is "Healing for the Splendidly Imperfect". I didn't choose it to imply that she's imperfect, althought I'm plainfully aware of my own imperfections. I bought it because I love Sark, and wanted to share that with her. Because this is a time of Great Changes for Hippychicx, so Transformation seemed to fit.

I choose the title for this post, because it's my thoughts about a transformation that I initiated this weekend.

And, I'm including the lyrics to a song, interlaced with these thoughts. Because it seemed to express some of this for me.

Saturday, I got to talk to J about me-and-Hippychicx. Making the plans, thinking about it, I thought my goal was to somehow make everything be alright for Hippychicx and I to be together. To soothe J, to put her on our side, whatever.

That's not what happened. And don't anyone try to think that J was some kind of villain in this passion play.

I don't pretend to think that anyone will really understand why I've done what I've done. But I need to write it out for me. To look back on, to be able to reach for the feelings again. To let the feelings rest in print-space instead of bouncing back and forth inside my skull.

Hell, as soon as I knew I was attracted, I thought I was being insane, so how do I go convincing anyone with doubts, that they shouldn't?

We went for a walk, and I listened. I hope I did as good a job of that as I intended. I'm rotten at listening, and so often interrupt and take over. I didn't want to do that. I think J got to have her say. I think I heard her.

But there was a lot going on inside me at the same time, and I got a lot of talking out, myself.

I would *love* to have kept on the path we were on, Hippychicx and I, pursuing each other, exploring each other. I was hoping for deep intimacy, both emotionally and physically. I was ready for love to happen, although aware that I had no idea about that yet. I was nervous about being "the experienced one."

But...

For me to feel right about any of that, I would have had to feel right about how this affected Hippychicx' family. So much of what J had to say was true. Not fears that I could easily allay. Awareness of pitfalls, difficulties and dangers. That I could in no way guarantee wouldn't open up, bog down or come to pass.

I am a more "whole person" now, than I have been for years. I am putting much of me back together. I am letting more of me live and be out. I am learning to control the behavior I hate. But I'm not a done person. And I often feel like I'm not a safe person to be in a relationship with. So, how can I recommend me to someone for their precious daughter?

And there was more stuff. I found myself relating in ways I didn't like, to those I already love, because of the turmoil inside me about this, and my perceptions that I was making choices between new interests and old loves.

What I hope I've chosen, is the beginnings of a friendship that has the whole world open to it. A friendship which may indeed, someday, have our own sexual component. Given enough time to truly learn each other, and grow the slow, sure, deep kind of love that sometimes never comes from the mad-fast liking.

And the knowledge that I can pursue that friendship and deepen it, with approval and encouragement, rather than dread or denial.

I cried for What Might Have Been. I've traded it for What May Become.

I cried on Saturday, but I sang on Sunday.


Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.


I sang this on my graduation, and I offer the same sentiment for today's graduates.


But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.


What I did when we kissed, when we looked with excitement at the possibilities, that was for the possibility of love.

What I did when I chose otherwise, was also for the possibility of love. I hope a stronger and more enduring one.

I believe that in chosing, I was also honoring my existing loves in a way more true for me.


Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.


I am done crying about this.


It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.


If the love is there, and I think it probably is, it will never be gone, so there will be time to find it.


Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love


And, I find, with my tears dried, that I am still Quite Emphatically Alive.

Thank you, Hippychicx.
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    Thoughtful
bundled up, walkabout, snow

update

Okay, one thoughtful post.

One load of laundry given over to Critter, already sorted and returned to Flar.

One load of laundry through both machines, and already hung up.

Two more loads of laundry, in progress.

Errands out next. (some of it, more laundry)
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    busy