September 8th, 2002

bundled up, walkabout, snow

Ceremony and celebration

Okay, I started this half an hour ago, and realize it's getting long. I want to include all that I can remember, so I'm organizing it into parts.

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After the service, while the others went out and got all organized about being a funeral procession, there were the final moments to say goodbye to Barbar. No matter how alien and other the used up, fixed up, dead body seems -- no matter how Not Barbar -- there was a strong focus to direct the grief, the goodbyes, the care. Flar and I both intend to be cremated after death, but I realize the importance of that release of emotion that comes from having that focus. I understand there are still viewings possible for cremation, and will probably want that, knowing that

it helped.

I saw the pain, the sorrow, the pure grief, at her side.

I felt and saw the difference later, with Flar, with Brolly, with Bébé even. They all expressed that it was easier, a little, after saying goodbye.

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We returned to the funeral home to gather all the flowers and pictures and mementos, then went to Bébé's house. Starmaiden and Kittybane had gone ahead to help the next-door neighbor set out food, so everything was done by the time we arrived.

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Brolly's family left in the late afternoon, to attend Mass on Saturday night (and enable Sunday morning sleeping in). We stuck around long enough for them to return, and give more time for the cousins to play together.

Unfortunately, at least for Tigger, probably too long. I think it was just too long a day for him, with too many strong emotions rolling all around him. It seems that Tigger is developing even more empathy than Critter has, and the long day, and Tigger's own sorrow, and the emotions of those around him all piled up to neatly burst over the handiest trigger during play. Tigger decided he needed to climb up the magnolia in the backyard, until he cheered up. This would have been fine, at least until dark, but he climbed at least 20 feet up, and got pretty much all the adults worried about him. How I wish this were Disney, and that we could have turned the screen sideways.

One of the worries was that Tigger might be uncertain about climbing down, to add to being sad, and that he might not be able to come down if we didn't help. Eventually, after getting Critter (the lightest, tallest, slimest choice) to attempt to climb up and help, TIgger climbed down on his own. He and I went to the middle bedroom, and talked about sad, and about little sad and big sad, and Barbar, and coping, and persevering. And eventually, something seemed to work, because a few minutes after we left the room, he was cheerfully helping to clean up the middle bedroom of all the miscellaneous puzzles and toys, and was mostly just subdued on the ride home.

At home, he got to select a movie to watch with Flar and Critter, and then went on to bed upstairs.

My parents took Moulin Rouge upstairs to watch on Daddy's laptop, Flar went to his office to call Gaucha (and wrote her email when he couldn't reach her), and I read email and live journal, while bringing in the stuff we brought back from Bébé's. For some reason or other, while I was going out to the car, I started humming Joy is Like the Rain, and it got to me enough to want to do run a search for lyrics. So one set of lyrics:


I saw raindrops on my window, Joy is like the rain.
Laughter runs across my pain, slips away and comes again.
Joy is like the rain.

I saw clouds upon a mountain, Joy is like a cloud.
Sometimes silver, sometimes grey, always sun not far away.
Joy is like a cloud.

I saw Christ in wind and thunder, Joy is tried by storm.
Christ asleep within my boat, whipped by wind, yet still afloat.
Joy is tried by storm.

I saw raindrops on the river, Joy is like the rain.
Bit by bit the river grows, till at once it overflows.
Joy is like the rain.

It wasn't raining. It was a day of sadness with a purpose of celebration. Perhaps this was God's way of reminding me about the joy that is part of celebration -- and Barbar's plan for this day.

And now I can go to bed, to wake whenever I want, or whenever the boys call in my promise of banana pancakes -- whichever comes first.

A long day. An important day. Another step in the process.
  • Current Music
    Joy is Like the Rain (in my head)