This is about my reaction my thoughts. The place were I get to be self-centered.
I was there. Almost a year ago. A year and 5 days ago, I lived there for days. Learned where the extra towels were stored, delivered breastmilk to be chilled before transport to Kosair, swapped with Wolf for the cot or the floor. Stayed with Sydb.
Sydb's mom is on the same floor of the same hospital. Turn right out of the elevator lobby instead of left. Wow.
This time is really more like the visits to Kosair; we would call up the chair, bundle recently split-open Sydb into my car and drive over to Kosair so that she could spend as much time as possible with that hardy little miracle. Roo is walking now, and babbling away, so ready to learn to turn those sounds into words. Climbing stairs and insisting on finger food and bewitching everyone who see her, with her smile.
I spent the day trying to be a help, getting to be the one who waits, talking with relatives and trying to be calm.
My wife's mom is hurting and all I can do is remember that breakfast should be eaten, that napping is more important than a party, try to be
what am I supposed to be, to do? I should be all experienced at this, with the amount of time that Barbar was in and out of the hospital before she passed.
And, ScrappyMom is not going to pass. Not anytime soon. She's a strong lady, and she's going to be Just Fine.
Maybe she might have to learn to have a slightly fewer amount of projects going at any one time, or at least learn that it's okay not to have deadlines for them. Cause, I'm told she's been stressing about that very sort of thing. I understand the feeling. Heck, Wolf used to call our conversations craft-geeking.
I really like Sydb's mom. And, she makes me feel like family. Oh, I don't think Teacher (Wolf's mom) is so bad (wrt how she treats me) as he and Sydb think, but well, we're awkward around each other - she doesn't know how to pigeonhole me.
So, I'm able to be here for support when Sydb needs me, even if all she takes is a hand to hold. I'm glad I was already here. But I'd be here now, even if I'd woken up in my bed in Nicholasville this morning.
Bitter comparisons made me feel ill today. I could hear Teacher over the phone, reassuring Wolf that of course she'd take care of Roo. That's what family does. And letting the old words ring my ears, Barbar's voice, telling me that staying through the night with Flar was the nurses' job, and that I was supposed to stay home with my baby. That was when I learned to hate my mother-in-law, and why, even when I can tell so many affectionate stories about her, even realize that I miss her and maybe loved her, why I can also sadly tell anyone who really deserves the deep truths, that I hated her. I hated her for raising a son up to believe so little about What Family Does.
Of course a daughter is at her mother's bedside right now.
And of course I was at my husband's bedside, seven(?) years ago.
Okay, so enough letting the bitterness spill all out. It kind of helped to write about it though.
I'm supposed to be working more on the bills. Last night, I managed sorting out the receipts and balancing the checkbook. But, I think I'm missing some deposits, so want to call the bank about that tomorrow. All I can do tonight is work on posting due bills, of which there is a generous pile.
But in the long run, money doesn't matter, and bills don't matter, it's the people who love who count.
And, I'm where I'm supposed to be. Right now.