I choose the title for this post, because it's my thoughts about a transformation that I initiated this weekend.
And, I'm including the lyrics to a song, interlaced with these thoughts. Because it seemed to express some of this for me.
Saturday, I got to talk to J about me-and-Hippychicx. Making the plans, thinking about it, I thought my goal was to somehow make everything be alright for Hippychicx and I to be together. To soothe J, to put her on our side, whatever.
That's not what happened. And don't anyone try to think that J was some kind of villain in this passion play.
I don't pretend to think that anyone will really understand why I've done what I've done. But I need to write it out for me. To look back on, to be able to reach for the feelings again. To let the feelings rest in print-space instead of bouncing back and forth inside my skull.
Hell, as soon as I knew I was attracted, I thought I was being insane, so how do I go convincing anyone with doubts, that they shouldn't?
We went for a walk, and I listened. I hope I did as good a job of that as I intended. I'm rotten at listening, and so often interrupt and take over. I didn't want to do that. I think J got to have her say. I think I heard her.
But there was a lot going on inside me at the same time, and I got a lot of talking out, myself.
I would *love* to have kept on the path we were on, Hippychicx and I, pursuing each other, exploring each other. I was hoping for deep intimacy, both emotionally and physically. I was ready for love to happen, although aware that I had no idea about that yet. I was nervous about being "the experienced one."
For me to feel right about any of that, I would have had to feel right about how this affected Hippychicx' family. So much of what J had to say was true. Not fears that I could easily allay. Awareness of pitfalls, difficulties and dangers. That I could in no way guarantee wouldn't open up, bog down or come to pass.
I am a more "whole person" now, than I have been for years. I am putting much of me back together. I am letting more of me live and be out. I am learning to control the behavior I hate. But I'm not a done person. And I often feel like I'm not a safe person to be in a relationship with. So, how can I recommend me to someone for their precious daughter?
And there was more stuff. I found myself relating in ways I didn't like, to those I already love, because of the turmoil inside me about this, and my perceptions that I was making choices between new interests and old loves.
What I hope I've chosen, is the beginnings of a friendship that has the whole world open to it. A friendship which may indeed, someday, have our own sexual component. Given enough time to truly learn each other, and grow the slow, sure, deep kind of love that sometimes never comes from the mad-fast liking.
And the knowledge that I can pursue that friendship and deepen it, with approval and encouragement, rather than dread or denial.
I cried for What Might Have Been. I've traded it for What May Become.
I cried on Saturday, but I sang on Sunday.
Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
I sang this on my graduation, and I offer the same sentiment for today's graduates.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
What I did when we kissed, when we looked with excitement at the possibilities, that was for the possibility of love.
What I did when I chose otherwise, was also for the possibility of love. I hope a stronger and more enduring one.
I believe that in chosing, I was also honoring my existing loves in a way more true for me.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
I am done crying about this.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
If the love is there, and I think it probably is, it will never be gone, so there will be time to find it.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
And, I find, with my tears dried, that I am still Quite Emphatically Alive.
Thank you, Hippychicx.