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minikin

Minikin's Journal

Routine Ramblings of an Occasionally Interesting Housewife


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“Great wits are sure to madness near allied - And thin partitions do their bounds divide”
LJ Idol
minikin
This is my entry for LJ Idol, Topic 2: What Terrifies Me?

What terrifies me?

I am terrified of the madness that I have experienced and currently hold at bay. There have been too many times I can recount where I simply felt that I had no control over my actions. I had slipped into the full role of observer, watching myself exercise anger beyond bounds.

My mother was taken away whilst screaming that she was the beast. We don't speak much of that time, but when we have, she describes not knowing whether her memories were formed of experience or imagination. I assure her that she never pulled my hairs from its roots, while shivering inside at the possibility of like impulses raging inside me someday.

She is "sane" now. Stabilized by lithium, she seems normal enough. But I also hear about the trouble sleeping, the sadness that occasionally overtakes, the ups and downs that are "normal" for other people - that will always carry an undercurrent of worry for us. Did you take your pills, Mom?

I have these tiny pills. Smaller than a baby aspirin or a birth control tablet, they are my security. So many things happened at once around the time I started Lexapro; it would be easy to claim that my stability is unrelated to these bits of compressed powdery substances. I had built for myself a sugary fairyland of idealistic hopes and dreams, then I proceeded to rain down on it the warm waters of my own tears, and wreck the melted rubble with increasingly frantic tantrums. My fairyland of dreams had become a nightmarish, syrupy quagmire of bitterness and blame.

It is easy to look back at those times and see the desperation for perfection. The smallest flaws wounded me. These days it is Flar who says the water heater doesn't provide enough heat for a proper bath in our giant tub. Those days it was I who fretted and cried over the tepid waters that were supposed to be my relaxing escape. I laugh a little (but cringe inside) when I see Flar teaching others the "proper" way to fold and roll all the different categories of towels in our laundry. Oh, I still follow precise steps, but I've managed to leave behind the demands that others do the same.

When Camel said it was over, I grieved. Long and hard, railing and wailing. Hiding the depth from my Mom, at the time ignorant of my poly life. Leaning on Knight, leaning on Belmikey, unsure of how to act around Flar. They saw the damage wrought by the pairing; why could I press so hard in some directions and not others?

Praise be, I at last pressed in the highest direction.

"Are you bi?" "Yes, but not practicing."

The question could more easily have been "Are you sexual?" "Yes, but not practicing."

There was a time when I had addictions that almost everything. I carefully managed any kind of contact with alcohol, aware of where that would lead. I avoided illicit drugs, but I still have my dependence on caffeine. I weaned myself away from sudafed but oh, I notice the wonderful boost when I need it for congestion. I was addicted to relationship, to NRE, to sex, to pain, to passion.

I am shot of that. But do I overreact in my avoidance? It is so easy, in deciding to follow God's much simpler plan, to choose for my intimate relationships to be non-sexual. But my marriage bed has for so long been at best cuddly, at worst cold. And that is not what He meant for me. I fear the cold, but I fear the dissonance more, so I don't talk about it. When I approach with trepidation, conversations about improving, fixing, healing our marriage, my fear is mirrored back. He remembers the passionate, angry fights. He remembers it as hate turned toward him. Why should he want more, when there is this comfortable, almost-ease that is enough?

Terrified of the madness.

Living with the aftermath.

Listening to the whispers that "there is more."

Opening up once more to the cleansing tears.

Title quotation by John Dryden (British Poet, Dramatist and Critic of Literacy, 1631-1700)

Umm wow, that is very brave of you to put out here.

I feel like such a wimp in comparison.

Great entry and I hope that life continues to get better for you.

I am a little stunned so I am blathering a bit. Sorry.

Thank you.

I've been building walls again, and recognized it right before I join LJ Idol, so these writing topics are going to be about keeping the walls down.

Quite a change from my usual dear diary style entries, but important.

Real, poetic, powerful post. There is no way to read this and not feel something, and that is a form of art.

Good job, min....

Whew. That is very serious and potent emotions there!

LJ Idol's pretty deep, no?

It's bringing out some pretty thoughtful work from quite a few of us. I entered into this with an attitude of bringing down/ keeping down walls. I find other people digging deep, and feel free to do the same.

It's quite different from my ordinary journal entries, but I know there are one or two of my friends who will smile to see me digging again.

I've said this in a few other entries, but I think we're all gonna be a *lot* closer once this week is over. There's no way to share things like this and not be. Thank you for trusting us all enough with this.

This was really, really insightful. Thank you.

you are so open and honest, i love it!

I *so* identified with 90% of that.

THANK YOU! This means so much coming from you, sweetie.

Love,

Big *HUG*. And remember, Flar and Knight "still" understand always.

I'm getting emotionally attached to my fellow LJ Idol contestants. I don't see that as something which will end well.

Bit by bit, the light grows. Believe in yourself- you've come this far.

Thank you for putting so much of yourself into this entry. I was moved by your plight.

*hugs*

(Deleted comment)
I started on it with the recommendation of my gynecologist. "we'll try this and see if it helps." he chose it for lower incidences of side-effects, and the ones I most feared did not come about. It's worked to just take the edge off. It gave me the space to be able to laugh instead of scream. And bonus, since I'm on a generics-only prescription plan, with a discount card for brandnames, he gives me whatever he has on hand in the way of samples at my office visit. It's always more than a month, this time almost two.

Wow, what a post. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you. I'm pretty impressed at what people are putting out here, in this competition. I have to admit to only reading Spydie's entries last year, until the final rounds. This year, I'm reading more, and glad for it.

that's very tough. Thanks for sharing. What medications are you on now, if I may ask?

heh. I have this cute little card I printed for giving blood.

Lexapro - prescribed for peri-menopausal PMS so my gynecologist can write the scrip
Triamterene HCTZ - a diuretic prescribed for high blood pressure
Potassium - prescribed because Triamterene is a diuretic
Ranitidine - prescribed for acid reflux

Very powerfully written, open and honest. Brava!

*Hugs*

Thank you.

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